and why

its funny how we tend to miss the people we shouldnt miss… the people who dont waste not even a sec of their time missing us.. to the people who when not with us dont even know we are alive. why though why are they the center of our worlds?why do they have our hearts in the palm of their hand? is it a test some kind of sick joke?…. i dont know i dont know anything anymore ….


if you could be anything other then what you are what would it be?

a tree would be too powerless and lonley i think. I would want to be big enough to be able to protect myself smart enough to be able to enjoy life but small enough to only be noticed if i wanted to be.. i have a hard time even making this choice i feel so outside of my skin but i cant even think of any other opion. this is so frusterating and i hate feeling like this what is the point of life if you dont know what you dont know or know what it is that you do know because you just dont know?…. my head is spinning and i feel like the ground under my feet is gone there is nothing to grab on to and no one around to help im alone in a sink hole and there is almost air yet i cant die so i stay stuck without opions without hope without ideas stranded between death and exsitence not able to fully go one way or the other not able to find peace not even truly knowing what peace is so therefor i really wouldnt even know if i did find it cause i wouldnt be know what it looks like so what is the point then? why am i still on this earth? is it a joke is it karma is it a punishment no matter what it is i just wish i could put a lable on it just know what to call it anything any lable would be better then nothing better then not knowing

a cry for help

so i still dont know where i am going and pat is still in jail im sure its safe to say that this is it and i am on my own for good im so scared and i really just want to hide in a dark hole ‘im trying to have faith and im trying to not let it get me down but i cant help it im so stressed out and i miss pat so much i dont know what the reason for all this but i am trying to keep in mind that everything happens for a reason. how did all this happen how did things get like this? i feel like i am in a wonderland and it scares me its like im in a bad dream and i cant wake up im screaming begging for someone to help me but no one can hear me not even pat im alone and im lost i have no fucking idea how to be on my own or how to be an adult im so fucking lame im trying really hard i am putting everything i got into turning this around but no matter how hard i fight i cant seem to make anything happen please god if you can hear me im beggign you to help me i cant do this alone and im so stressed out that sometimes i wish i were dead i feel so broken and worthless please please help me

ash to ash

i like to stay busy working out writing crafts gardening walking whatever i do eveything and everything to keep my mind from returning to the current moment as long as i dont think about me and my life i can manage to get through another day. as long as i keep busy i can forget that i am broken and that my life is shattered but there are only so many hours in a day and a human body can only do so much before it shuts down for a rest and unless i am so brunt out from staying busy to the point that my body is the one that chooses to shut down and i pretty much black out then i struggle in my sleep as well sleep is only safe when i dont dream because dreams are just my souls most out of reach desires

pats in jail with more charges and i am on a crunch time to move this big ass trailer to i dont know where with no tags no paper work no truck no pat we had our problems but he was a great provider and he always took care of these kinds of things im at a fucking lost george is well lets see not on the same page as me i thought he felt like i do but he doesnt he just wants to fuck me he will never want to be with me not in the same way i want to be with him and i dont blame him i mean i have nothing to offer him shit i have nothing to offer anyone not even myself …

if there was ever a time when i wish i had gotten hit by that car right its now death seems to be the only out of this hell but then i think of bella and the cats and i cant leave them alone but man this is getting too hard and i am ready to break i really dont even know what is keeping me afloat i feel so alone and like my life is a wonderless wonderland that i cant find an exit in this is not how i want my life to be

why do some people feel the need to hold onto a lie no mattet how clear the truth is? one thing i cant deal with is a lie i hate being lied to and i cant lie for shit its just too much work. i have a hard enough time keeping track of the truth so adding on anything other then is out of the question.

there isnt much that one can do to me that i wont look pass or forgive but lying is something i can not look pass and no matter how hard i try i dont do good with forgiving once you lie there is always the possiblity of you doing it again and again and if i missed it even just that one time i now have to question everything cause it very well could be yet another lie and i have already failed myself by letting even just one lie get past me.

when a lie is told it really fucks everything up and no matter how hard you work at making an amens for it things will never be able to go back to the way they once were it fucking sucks and it hurts its not a good feeling to not know if the person who told the lie is lying yet again and when you love that person or are in love with them it fucking sucks even more bottom line DONT FUCKING LIE its not worth it not the pain not the guilt not loss if you really love someone anyone dont matter what the relationship if you respect them then do yourself and them a favor and no matter how ugly the truth is dont ever try yo cover it up with a stupid lie because you will lose everything even if you are able to keep the person in your life you lose the bond you had before the lie

my ex who i was with for 7 years use to say that i needed to ” get over that shit” that is i kept living in the past i was bonde to repete my mistakes … wel i would say that i was living in the past in the same way he meant it but from my point i was trying to go back to a time when i knew the person that he was to him it was one stupid lie one time long ago but to me it was more it the hit that everything i thought we had all i thought we were was not what i thought i loved him like i never had ever loved before and i gave him my heart and all i had without a second dout and you know what .. he lied right to my face without a 2nd thought he looked me right in my eyes looked into my soul and fucking lied he laid next me while we slept while i was thinking all was perfect and it wasnt i wasnt enough and he couldnt even tell me i gave him my heart and he didnt even care enough to handle it with care instead he did things that to him were no big deal like talk to his exes blah blah and he thinks i should already

o what a tangled web we weved

why do some people feel the need to hold onto a lie no mattet how clear the truth is? one thing i cant deal with is a lie i hate being lied to and i cant lie for shit its just too much work. i have a hard enough time keeping track of the truth so adding on anything other then is out of the question.

there isnt much that one can do to me that i wont look pass or forgive but lying is something i can not look pass and no matter how hard i try i dont do good with forgiving once you lie there is always the possiblity of you doing it again and again and if i missed it even just that one time i now have to question everything cause it very well could be yet another lie and i have already failed myself by letting even just one lie get past me.

when a lie is told it really fucks everything up and no matter how hard you work at making an amens for it things will never be able to go back to the way they once were it fucking sucks and it hurts its not a good feeling to not know if the person who told the lie is lying yet again and when you love that person or are in love with them it fucking sucks even more bottom line DONT FUCKING LIE its not worth it not the pain not the guilt not loss if you really love someone anyone dont matter what the relationship if you respect them then do yourself and them a favor and no matter how ugly the truth is dont ever try yo cover it up with a stupid lie because you will lose everything even if you are able to keep the person in your life you lose the bond you had before the lie

my ex who i was with for 7 years use to say that i needed to ” get over that shit” that is i kept living in the past i was bonde to repete my mistakes … wel ild say that i was living in the past in the same way he meant it but from my point i was trying to go back to a time when i knew the person that he was to him it was one stupid lie one time long ago but to me it was more it the hit that everything i thought we had all i thought we were was not what i thought i loved him like i never had ever loved before and i gave him my heart and all i had without a second dout and you know what .. he lied right to my face without a 2nd thought he looked me right in my eyes looked into my soul and fucking lied he laid next me while we slept while i was thinking all was perfect and it wasnt i wasnt enough and he couldnt even tell me i gave him my heart and he didnt even care enough to handle it with care instead he did things that to him were no big deal like talk to his exes blah blah and he thinks i should already forget about it and move on but its more to me its deeper then i can even put into words and when i doubt him well hello there was a time i didnt and was stupid and i made a fool of myself i use to think that no matter what happened everything would be fine as long as we had eachother but it wasnt and its not because i will never be able to trust him not fully not like i use to and all because i meant nothing or at least not enough to not be lied to

o what a tangled web we weved

why do some people feel the need to hold onto a lie no mattet how clear the truth is? one thing i cant deal with is a lie i hate being lied to and i cant lie for shit its just too much work. i have a hard enough time keeping track of the truth so adding on anything other then is out of the question.

there isnt much that one can do to me that i wont look pass or forgive but lying is something i can not look pass and no matter how hard i try i dont do good with forgiving once you lie there is always the possiblity of you doing it again and again and if i missed it even just that one time i now have to question everything cause it very well could be yet another lie and i have already failed myself by letting even just one lie get past me.

when a lie is told it really fucks everything up and no matter how hard you work at making an amens for it things will never be able to go back to the way they once were it fucking sucks and it hurts its not a good feeling to not know if the person who told the lie is lying yet again and when you love that person or are in love with them it fucking sucks even more bottom line DONT FUCKING LIE its not worth it not the pain not the guilt not loss if you really love someone anyone dont matter what the relationship if you respect them then do yourself and them a favor and no matter how ugly the truth is dont ever try yo cover it up with a stupid lie because you will lose everything even if you are able to keep the person in your life you lose the bond you had before the lie

my ex who i was with for 7 years use to say that i needed to ” get over that shit” that is i kept living in the past i was bonde to repete my mistakes … wel ild say that i was living in the past in the same way he meant it but from my point i was trying to go back to a time when i knew the person that he was to him it was one stupid lie one time long ago but to me it was more it the hit that everything i thought we had all i thought we were was not what i thought i loved him like i never had ever loved before and i gave him my heart and all i had without a second dout and you know what .. he lied right to my face without a 2nd thought he looked me right in my eyes looked into my soul and fucking lied he laid next me while we slept while i was thinking all was perfect and it wasnt i wasnt enough and he couldnt even tell me i gave him my heart and he didnt even care enough to handle it with care instead he did things that to him were no big deal like talk to his exes blah blah and he thinks i should already forget about it and move on but its more to me its deeper then i can even put into words and when i doubt him well hello there was a time i didnt and was stupid and i made a fool of myself i use to think that no matter what happened everything would be fine as long as we had eachother but it wasnt and its not because i will never be able to trust him not fully not like i use to and all because i meant nothing or at least not enough to not be lied to


i feel so outside my skin like im in a wonderland where nothing is what it seems nor are people who they say they are and i just want to crawl into a deep dark hole and hide forever or better let die i have been alone my whole life but i more lonely then i have ever been im broken and lost and everything is a mess i dont know what to do next or where to go from here but i have to think about it fast and figure it out i have a matter of days and then i need to be out and i dont have any idea about that my entire life for these last past years is turning up to be nothing more then bullshit and never having ment anything it was all just lies and games and i was never anything more a come up for the ones caliming to love or care about me they dont they are just masters of the art of wooing people and i am the only one who ever gets attached and hurt i gave a chance to being in love and it did nothing more then get me hurt well now i am rebuilding the wall around my heart and this time no matter how hard a big bad wolf huffs and puffs no matter how big he or she is they will never stand a chance to knocking my wall down, i am going to lock my heart away so fucking tight i may even end up crushing it well i mean i can hope cant i?

what happened? well….

i tell you what when the day comes that come face to face with that fucker murphy i am going to do things i cant even post on here , murphy has fucked with my happiness my whole life and i am at the end of my rope with his ass

i can still see how you looked the 1st time i saw you you were leaning with your back to a dresser and you had a raiders black tee dark blue jeans and black jordans maybe they were nikies you wore a silver chain and you werent wearing a hat i can still feel the quick pause in my palse from the 1st sight of you and the butterflies that rushed me but i was going through something at the moment that i need to handle but i did plan to come back address the matter but i didnt see you again not for a long time it felt like then you poped in a few times one of those times you came to bring clothes for me and my uncle my crisis lasted longer then expected but even while being a mess i was crushing on you but i just played it cool and waited for you to make a move then once again you were gone and the next time you came around i was already involved with someone and that relaionship blew up fast and deep i fell in love with him and yes had a baby but you never left my mind then when i finally got a chance to ride with you i fell in love i fell hard and even faster then i had with dude you were my friend and you helped me when i had no one and nothing you helped me just to help me and i felt safe with you plus i thought you were hella fine and with out being able to explain it well i knew you different i knew our souls were connected and i felt at home in your arms but then you started to pull away and be stand offish you have jokes that i dont find all too funny when it comes to cheating or open relatioinships and it didnt take long before i felt that i was just in the way so i left well no you droped me off a few days before my birthday and i didnt hear from you for a week you didnt even call me on my birthday you left me alone so again i was alone and lonely and i fell back on what i know best i did a big ol fat shot and it ended up being too much for me i over dosed and the only person who came to my aid was dude i remeber i selpt for a few days and when i woke up i guess you had finally called but it was too late im not the kind of person who has someone who still loves me come and help me just to ditch them when the one i want feels like coming around i dont like to hurt anyone and will do whatever i can to make sure i dont even it means me being the one who gets hurt.

that is the only reason i ever LEFT you or went back to dude and we never talked about it but in case you think that there was another reason i want to make it clear

all movies are true stories …. somewhere for someone

movies are great i love movie days and my favorite movie bud is always ready with a mind blowing movie ones that make you think sometimes we watch ones that hit a little close to home and maybe it may seem like im spacy or disconnected but thats not it thats not it at all but i have to allow it to seem like that the only other opion i have is to bring the truth about my past to light and that is the last thing i want to do.

its cool when things like drug lords and gun runners are in movies but people only think its cool due to the fact that its a movie they feel safe thinking that the that kind of stuff is only on a screen or somewhere far far far away i dont want to see what they would do to find out that they could be sitting right to the main dude the escapee the transporter or who ever, i have work really hard to run and stay away from my past im nothing like the blood line i was born from and i never want to be i want to live a normal life well at least as normal as posible i want to be happy i want the people in my life to be happy and i dont want all the complications and bullshit that comes with the street life in a crime family i want to be more then a mafia princess.

a few years back i moved to a new town just far enough from where i had grew up but being in foster care i was able to work that into the transion between my old and current life i was able to bury the old me she her story ended the day i was taken from school when the whole school saw me being walked out by 2 officers and it only took a few weeks for the shock and wonder to die down that girl was gone and everyone knew that she wasnt coming back

thats when tina was awakened and she is who got me through those years locked away like some lab rat tina was my medium my middle she was tougher then christina she was street smart and she was hard as a rock when i got there was a while when tina and christina battled for the light but when christina lost her 2nd baby and was abandoned yet again by her fucked up family tina took charge things were moving but tina ended up slipping and got into some trouble then christina lost another baby and when tina landed in jail a new face started to be made and her persents werent really noticed untill it was too late. by the time that ina was in the light she was already stronger then the others and took on the light full time she everything a crime family would be proud to have as a member she not only followed their footsteps she mastered them and showed them something new she was a savage beast and a walking weapon she could do say and be everything the other 2 couldnt and she wasnt chained by their limits or weaknesses she was missing something like every ying her yang was that she has no heart that was the difference that made her stronger then even tina. tina had cut out and locked her heart deep inside the same coffin as christina were is ina was created without a heart and a soul that hungered for power and pay back she was like nothing any member of christinas loving fam bam had ever seen not even in their worste nightmares

brush up

so i put some dots together today after the 4th person in like a matter of 3 days came to visit and it was imposible to ignore that every word they said was a buzz kill the universe is checking in with me a lot i feel and i must say i am so proud of myself i have come a long way and when i hear my own words i cant help but smile. it really make me sad when i see or hear people more so the ones i love be and feel bad and i know that many times what i have to say is not what they want to hear but i speak from my heart and i live by my words so i only say what i i know for sure to be ture i just wish that i could get them to understand that because i feel like they think that i am being rude or like i dont care but i do so much and i just want them to feel better so they can live better i know how much it takes out of you to be mad all the time and to always be in some kind of delima but it doesnt have to be like that if we choose to be and do better we can make out lives how we want them we just need to get out of our own way and i better the most know all too well just how hard thar can be

in transformation

today is going to be a new and beautiful day i am just waking up it is 7:17 and after i just in with my wordpress i am going to do my moring workout i like it a lot i know that it is going to to take some time but i am off to a good start and i feel good when i do it my goal is to be 105 pounds be next summer and for my hair to be to the middle of my back AND to have half the scars that is what i am focusing on ME and nothing is going to stop me i dont need pat and i dont need george i got me and i am going to be better healtier and happier more and more every passing day i am choosing to love me and so eveyone i hope that you all have a blessed day and that you remeber to love yourself do something for you today something that is good that makes you feel good and wil do good for you

now i step back

why cant i just be happy with someone who is a perfect match for me someone i can have a life with who gets me and loves me for me and who look past my faults but instead im toren between demons figthing over my soul neither really want it or truly want the partner role one beats me and hurts me and calls me ugly names the other only calls for a quickie and when he wants to play games how did my heart get split and rest with two who dont care or want me while i love both very much i should be this confussed there really isnt a future with one or the other both make me feel worthless and keep me hidden an under cover lover i cant think of a time that i did either of them wrong i cant help that both sets arms is where i feel i belong i think it best if i just walk away even though it hurts i know in my heart that with either i cant stay so without a word im backing out leaving no room for any lies no false lovely words acompanied with false ties


sitting here doing a recap about lasmy t night it sounds just as stupid out loud as it does inside my head i am a puddle of mixed emotions with even the slightest idea of direction i dont want to wast my time life or posts on dumb things that i know are out of my control but sometimes i just need to vent if i dont it feels like i might just blow over i know what i need to do and its not like im not trying to but its not easy with no money in a world that is ran by money i do all i can as far as trying to do side jobs im on ssi but being homeless is sometimes more pricey then not being homeless and i can never seem to save BUT i am no longer under a bridge i give thanks to my ex in laws for allowing me to park on the road outside their property so that the cops dont have a chance to mess with me and i give thanks for all the supportive people in my life this writing thing is really saving my mental state and i really have high hopes for getting published.

well its a hot day a really hot day and really my head is mess so i will check back in a little bit later on hope everyone has a safe and joyful day

ok ok you get an a for effort

so out of no where pat got all wierd on me something about the bed gave him a rash i must have done something to it blah blah 1 he has poison oak 2 i was gone all day and 3 he is the only one who sleeps on the bed when hes here. plus HE is the one who is always messing the house up i clean EVERYDAY i pick up sweep and wash the floors and walls i hate a dirty house but then he gets back and like a taz mainian he tares the house up hes like a bull in a china shop. its like he thinks that i am his maid or more like slave he is i dont even know what to say because its a hard one i love him and i use to be so madly and blindly in love with him there was a time when i saw nothing but him he was my whole world and all i needed these days its almost impossible to picture that but its true.

why? why did this happen? and when did we reach a point of no return? when i got with pat i forfited all my pride and self worth his word was law but every time he cheated every time he hit me every cruel word every low blow changed me inside and i now have my pride back teasing me and calling me out isnt love when you forgive no matter what? i use to think that there wasnt anything that we couldnt get over as long as i had him i was ok it didnt matter how bad he hurt me nothing hurt more then being without him… and now its like i cant sleep in my bed unless its cold and i dont mean like snow or frezzing weather cold as in distance hurt sarrow regret and lonliness its…. what i have got use to and it helps make it so that i dont cry myself to sleep if i dont expect him if i dont wait for him then when he doesnt come i barely notice and it puts off at least the knowing of new pain more pain

so this love?

a few days ago i made the choice to be single and to give myself all my focus i have so much i want to do and no one ever knows how long they will have but all the time in the world just never seems to be enough i want to learn all there is to learn i want to see for myself i want to travel and i want to do something good for the world that i will be remebered for i want to be someone that my loved ones can be proud of and look to for advice and i cant do any of it if im stuck fighting and being depressed all the time i love pat i love him so much he is my 1st love but we both have changed so much over the years so much has happened and its like no matter what we cant seem to fix it the only thing i can think of is to take a step back and work on myself so that i can be the partner i want to have so that i can know how to be a queen to her king but im scared i dont want to lose him in the prosess and im scared that he will forget me everytime i think about it i can feel a stabbing at my heart. before i met him i was a walking zombie i was a broken and lost little girl trying to find releif from my pain attemping to take back my control when it came to my body as child i didnt have a voice he didnt hear me when i said no and she didnt hear me when i cried for help not that she would allow my words to undo all she worked to get the money house cars and gifts that the mexican showed my mother with she gaurded with her life. the only escape that was avalible to me was to zone out and go to my happy place like my grammy had tought me as a little baby.

desperate to find a way to make him leave me alone i would do all i could to be unwantable i would play at school and get dirty then not take a bath when i got home which also gave him one less oportunity to hurt me and as this bad defense kind of got locked on stuck up untill i was safe in a group home . at 13 i had a brief moment where i was back under my mothers roof she was no longer with the mexican but her life was no where near fit to include kids.

my mother also had a habit of releasing her bottled up pain on me and as i got older and the anger grew i came to a point by mistake when i stopped taking her shit. it started with a simple push at the time i was just trying to break away so that i could run for cover but when she droped to the floor to give a show of fake fear i took that even though i knew it was bull and i used it i didnt care that it wasnt real i let myself feel like the power was and thats when i started fighting back. now i want to say that i am not proud of the fact that i have put hands on the one who gave me birth but that is all she gave me and im still to this day not sure that i am all that greatful for that fact i dont promote kids disrespecting parents and i grew up in a family where we got our butts whooped but please trust me when i say that my mother took it to a new level she didnt just take a belt to my back side but to my whole body she would whip me till i bled and then put me in a cold shower she broke bones for being 5 mins late from school and has poured boiling water on me for using her shoes when playing dress up. its funny none of that even if added up all together could win 1st place in her cruelity it was her words that had so much power over me. her not being there was what really got me all i ever wanted was her i think i say that because before my grandma died my mother was one of the last people i wanted but when grandma died and with my father going on the run she was all i had left of my old life

sorry i know i that i totally got hung up on that but its important because the truth is that my mother was my 1st heartbreak and ending up being where i got my idea of what love was. when i grew up i played it safe by not allowing anyone in and by keeping a chain and lock on my heart if no one could get to my heart then no one could break it right? i lost sight of the fact that my heart was broken before i locked it away and by ignoring the issues i didnt work through them or heal.

i was 23 when i got with pat and met him in the middle of a really hard time life was too much and i was ready to end it since i couldnt seem to end my pain he was my friendi felt comfortable with him and safe his dad and him took me in and allowed me to catch my breath to get my head right and i can never reppay them, but over the years things have changed pops past away and i feel like pat did to at least the old him did he is no longer the man i fell in love with he is no longer my safe place i use to run to or look for him when i got scared and now its like he is the what i am running from most of the time my mother beat me like i was some strange women off the streets she made me pay for all her pain from everyone who had ever hurt her and she did it from day one looking back its like what you see in bad movies and now i have allow pat to carry it on. to on the outside looking in its a no brainer but being in it its like im stuck and always trying to do and be better so that i wont make him do the things he has done just like with her i blame myself and jst like with her im on the hunt to find what is needed to fix him but i cant fix him i can only and need to only try to fix myself maybe if i can fix me i will be able to find out what love really is im scared and i want ot crawl into a hole and hind but that wont fix anything it wont fix me and it wont help me get to where i want to be

like attracts like duh

why is the law of attraction not working? well let me see if i am understanding this whole thing right from what i have learned and from what i just have a sence of kowing is that the law of attraction has more steps then just sitting down for an hour or hpwever long meditating or day dreaming about your dream job yes that is a big part of it but you also have to commit to a whole new way of being feeling thinking acting and speaking and you have to be willing to take the physical steps to reach your goal. in order to think positive you must feel positive in order to feel positive you must be intaking positive energy to do this you must be around positive energy sources and im not going to lie this part is where things get a but uncomfortable because this where you need to take a good look at your life and your going to have to weed out the bad weeds meaning the useless draining weeds that suck out all your energy eaving you feeling drained and down everything has to be positive and chill in order for anything good to come LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE even when you are only trying to be a good friend and lend someone an ear to vent into that is putting your energy output at risk the people in you allow in your life play a big part in all this and it is important that they understand it this is no a fairy tale or a game dont take it lightly you will only hurt yourself

today i got to see my dauhter for the 1st time in a long time its been a at least 2 years, but we dont miss a beat its like we never parted. she is so smart and beautiful it felf really good to see her i missed her so much we had a hard start with cps and then my mom then me moving to fresno and then her being taken away from my mom and going to her dad witch has turned out to be the best thing that has happened to her i know that he loves her and he was robed of the 1st few years of her life just like i was and im thankful that one of us is able to be there for her now he has changed so much and i am very proud of him he has left all the dumb shit alone and is focused on his family i didnt know it back then but his wife turened into one of the people i am most thankful for she took in my baby and loves her like her own and i am truly thankful for that

so i gave 2 more plants away and so im now to 3 one big girl and 2 lil girls but im proud out myself i did a lot of hard work this grow year and i have earned so wisdom, so like before i go rambbling off i dont want to post about that this time lol i was just thinking out loud what really want to talk about is that yesterday i got to see my baby girl! omg i am so thankful i missed her so much i miss all my babies its been a long while since ive seen any of them and it doesnt get any easier to deal with

worried and helpless

so i went over to a friends house just to visit and get away for a bit i planned on my man picking me up after work since he stops there everyday on his way home 5 oclock came and then 6 7 8 9 and he never showed so i spent my last 17 $ on a pack of smokes and a ride home when i got home his car wasnt here and his grandma said that he hadnt shown up yet its now 11:14 and he has not called texted or emailed nothing he can be a jerk and an asshole at times but this is not like him in the past he has gone to a friends house saying he would only be gone a few hours only to return the next day but this is not like him and i am really starting to worry im trying to think positive so not to attract anything bad but this is bull he gets mad at me saying that i try to control him or that im always thinking he is up to no good but its not that i mean i fucking worry about him i love him with all my heart and would just die if something ever happened to him i dont know if he is ok hurt or in jail even trouble he has no phone and i have no car so im stuck here waiting stressing and praying communicaion is key and i wish he would put his pride aside and trust me to know that there are reasonable reasons for my questions

please just hear me out

love is probaly one of the most scary beautiful stressful comfort headaches of a joy we stumble apon in life it can do things to us that we never thought to be possible we say do and feel things outside our norm and battle with the confussion of loving and hating it all at the same time i am 29 and i can say that only have less then a handful of times that i can compare but i know that without a doubt i love and am in love with my partner pat he is my best friend my rock and and my souls reflction we have had our ups and downs but no matter how low we got we had eachother and that means more then any length of post can express. when we got together we were both heavy on drugs and that made things hard on both if us why is this so if we both have so much love for one another? i cant speak for anyone other then myself so bare with me as i take a look at my end,

i have been reading a lot about the law of attracion and i am trying to live my life by its rules its hard work to try and stay positive in a negitive world and its even harder when the people in my life are dead set on their way of thinking and being to them its not negitive its normal or ” its life” the real world is the one i hear the most and no matter how much i try to explain the things i learn it just doesnt seem to sink in and it even seems to irritae them i dont understand it im not trying to down talk them or say they are wrong or bad im just trying to help them and me and the world that we share the law of attraction state that like attracts like and that all things that happen we attract with our thoughts and feelings so if a positive happy and healthy life is what is wanted then it only seems right that my thoughts and feelings need to be and stay positive happy and healthy right? in order for that be possible dont i need to be around nothing less then just those things? so i try to not read think or see anything that will bring on negitive feelings and i ask that when talking to me that people do the same both to better their lives but also to help keep me on the right track and not add stress to my already hard task but for whatever reason it seems to only turn out bad fights break out people get mad i get mad and a negitive cloud of stress seems to cover the days.

this would probaly be more easy to just cut the people out of my life but of course they are people i love very much and really dont want to live a life without im not ready to give up just yet so then what?… what can i do and how can i do it? how do i have success at the law of attraction and living by its rules and keep the people who are not ready or able to fully understand it in my life? will the day come that i will have to pick between the two? can i manifeast them into understanding and respecting my new found desired way of living is that even possible?

blown away

i spent the day helping my street aunt clean and go through things that she plans to put in a yard sale she is major collector and has an abundence of really good things but she also lives in a 5th wheel so there isnt too much room for her to store things. a little back story about her is that she was homeless with her son for a year and one day an officer went above and beyond he put up a go fund me account for her and put her and her son up in hotel for about a mo when her go fund me account got to an amount that could be used to buy a trailar he took her and her son down to get one and then has allowed her to live on his property for about 2 years now i have met him a few times and he seems to be an outstanding man which i am not use to seeing in sonoma county cops when the fire happened in santa rosa in 2017 he did wonders for those who were affected by it and help all he was able to bring food and offering rides and seeing to that everyone in that whole area got out alive and safe. when i 1st met him i was taken aback by how nice and respectful he was to me it was just like meeting any other person not a cop and i wasnt use to it but it was nice. today as i sat helping her i saw him again and then like any other person home on a sat he was visited by a few different friends who were all either current or ex cops CRAZY now im not saying that i would like join a weeking camp out or sunday tea but to my suprize i found myself having some pretty good conversaions like about pubishing and media and tv shows things like that and hold on to your seat THE LAW OF ATTRATION! yes indeed i know i know i was blown away but it was nice to see with my own eyes that there are some people on that other side that were people i guess like anyone i get so blind by the actions of the monsters that i forget that there not kings or lords there just people and in fact their are people who choose to serve the people well at least the ones who are in it for the right reasons

just a little reflection on july 19th 2019

so i have been doing some much needed cleaning , deep deep deep deep deep cleaning i mean im not leaving any stone unturned i have gotten ride of lot of things. there was a free pile just down the road so i took boxes and bags and suitcases and bins filled of things that i dont use need and somethings i didnt even know that i had and its all gone im so happy that people could find use for all the things that were just getting in the way and now there is so much more room i mean i still have a long way to go and its going to take some time but its getting done little by little evey day the main thing that i want to do is to get ride of the big bed i have and put a smaller one in the bed i have now is just too big and there is no room to walk around i mean no room at all there are things i want to do to this place that will take much more time and money but for now the focus is on cleaning once that is done i can start the rebuilding on this and make it a custom fit home. i been writing and still at it with my studies i got a few different books going on and i been working on my social media pages posting here and there. i have also been looking at building lay outs for the cafe and for the rescue there are so many ideas and i love everything that i see it just makes it hard when its not my land so i cant and want to make too much of a mess or get in the way but i been doing what i can. i want to and need to host a crafts fair i need to make the money to be able to afford the supplies needed and with my ssn being sold from a young age its pretty clear that i am going to have to pay for all fees in getting this off the ground which is not going to be easy or fast but keeping in mind that everything happens for a reason im doing my best to not let that worry me to a point of giving up this is something i want bad and its been a dream of mine for so long when i think about all the lives that are in need of this even if they might now even know it or have ever even thought about it it makes me push aside any doubting feelings. i have made vision boards and put them up on my celling above my couch slash office area so that when im sitting there doing work or just chilling out i can enjoy looking up at them or like when im laying down reading or whatever have you. my gardan is going pretty well out of all the seeds and seedlings that were going i have about 8 clones that i started yesterday from lower branches of my bigger girls i started them between the end of march begging of april at one point there were about 50 of them but i have given them away to a few different people so along with the clones i now have 4 big girls who i have topped and lolipoped today july 19th 2019 so well see what happens next ive given them feeder and the bigger girls are in good size pots they are in a place where they get a good amount of sun and the pots make it easy to move the smallar ones around to follow the sun as much as they can i also have been spraying them down at night like on the leaves and they seem to like that so ill keep doing that for now it is going to be a late crop but i should make it before the winter one of the plants that a friend gifted a friend got stressed out and is now both male and female and i can understand why he is upset but i would like it cause of the seeds but i dont want to upset him by asking fr it hes pretty upset about the whole thing. but ah aways…… what else what else …… oh boy has it been hot out and from what the news says its going to be record breaking heat temps this summer im talking like in the hundreds and shit ok so like i spent all winter trying to lighten up my skin because i really really really want to be lighter and now thanks to this heat wave im burnt like as in am toast dark toast and i do not like it but i have to like pick between light skin on big healthy garden its a bummer but hopefuly ill be able to tune out the feelings of defeat to the battle with the sun with a big jucy sweet mouth watering harvest! im so excited this is my 1st time and i did it by seed well except for the clones but their moms are from seeds and i am the only grower involved so im pretty proud of that and im sorry but like i am a major stoner and can be a bit on the laszy side so right now i was passing by my girls and thought to count them ans offically there are 3 clones that are the size of seedlings 4 small girls and 2 big girls there are also 2 med size girls that were taken from in the ground and put into big pots that have lost all leaves and look a bit dry so i dont know if they are going to make it but im not giving up on them just yet so well see how they do im thinking that i am going to start checking in about their growth every 2 weeks or so i should have been keeping a log of it since the start but like i said this is my very 1st time and im not the most focused person on earth lol but i think im doing pretty good and im excited about the out come not just the smoke theough that is the main reason but to be able to say ” i did that ” ive help and done most of the care of other peoples crops but this is mine all mine and aside from youtube and advice from friend growers im doing this on my own… well i hope that when reading this post you are in good health high spirits and that you are on a high vibrational current untill next time blessid it.

check in and cat talk

we now have 5 cats our newest family member is jasper he is a simeease and even though he is about a 1 and 1/2 months younger than my little ones he is biger and he is just a doll for some reason he isnt liking the the cats so much but something tells me that he cant really see all that well because when he is walking up to one one of them he looks like he hes looking at them but then he gets right up to their face smells and then he hisses i hope in time things will chiil out cause he really is just a love bug he is a purrfect match for pat haha ha im not even kidding he is pats cat all the way and it is just so cute mini moo is pats too but mini moo and then girls arent that into us i mean yea they stay around and come in to eat but they dont like coming in before they are hungry put it this way unless they want to come in there is no just going and picking them up and bringing them in like i can do with moo moo no moo moo is my BABY and i wanted that for pat i think everyone should have a bond like the one that i have with moo moo and bell boo its a love that is just like the love between mother and child well its pretty darn close in my book.

and so now jasper is like that with pat the other day when he 1st came to our home he way laying down next to pat and when pat went to get up to use the bathroom jasper woke up and started looking for him and he even waited on the foot the foot of the bed till pat got back it was so cute and i can see in pats eyes that he is just in love with this little guy and its so cool to watch them together now if we could just get the cats to all get along we will once again be one big happy home and family gees 5 cats how is it that i get us into things like this lol no im playing i love each and everyone of them and i wouldnt give any of them up for the world oh…. im sorry but jasper is meowing and stepping in keybord he is really an attention how lol but i am going to take a quick break and attend to this lil fellow and when he is chilled and can be left to find something to do i will write more on the matter be back soon………7:50 am

7:56 saved by the bell lol i was laying back to relax my back and jasper was on my tummy in a little ball hes not too into bella yet ( my 2 year old boxer mix) so when she came in and jumped on the bed jasper took off under the bed bella is just really the best dog anyone could ever ask for she is gental and kind loving and warm and is the center of this house and our family i love her she is so good with our babies has never hurt them and lets them think they run things lol my bell boo girl is a good girl and i would crumble without her. love you bell boo girl.

so where was i… oh yes i need to come up with a way that all the cats will get along i dont want anyone to get hurt and its no fun when the house is upset i mean its stressful and not any fun for any of us so ill be looking into what i can do and if any of you guys have some tips or ideas im all ears well this is going to be just a short check i got so much to do and to put a dent in the yard work before the sun comes out it was 90 yesterday this heat is killing me and the cats and bell dont seem to care for it much either but after i a dent up my work load i will return and write some more 8:05 am

if you want something done right you have to do it yourself i guess

today my best friend came to visit me we’ve been in a dry spell but she remains my bestie ok so anyways ahhh oh right ok so like we went to the gas staion we were only gone like 30 mins max hold up wait back it up a sec so when she showed up she had her dude with her ( side note – a dude = that one asshole who stands out from the rest with many years time and tears invested and still just flat out a dick face their not your man they are your man ya is broken up but let a bitch even think about hollering at him) me and him use to be good friends i met him from my man they use to call eachother brothers but thats a whole other post long story short we aint cool like that no mo but she (my bestie) is still and will always be my best motha fawkin friend sooooo blah blah blah she parked down the road chilling with fart knocker then since he does what fart knockers do it was then time for GIRL TIME so we talking catching up chilling and a lady walked by never seen her before she looked pretty off her rocker so when i corrected her from walking onto my inlaws property she walked off talking to herself and i didnt think anything of it i forgot all about her so we go to get gas i happened to take my dog with us i dk why it was like on auto we gone for 30 mins when we get back i see that my door is open and holy fuck shit trash and stuff MY stuff is scattered all over the road i jump out and go see that my house is tossed up like the damn police did an ice sweep but ah im native so that wasnt it the 1st thing i thought was my besties dude so she run to go check dude come to find out it wasnt him it was THAT FUCKING CRAZY HOE i dk how but i got like a flash and i run over to store and i see her holding my cat oh hell na bitch you have got to be crazy my fucking cat so i yell at ” hey wtf let my cat go bitch who the fuck do you think you are going in my house and why you got my fucking cat ” this hoe takes off running so i run after and aint it about a bitch (fucking murphy) (murphys law) my leg cramp up so i go back to get a bike im calliing the po pos they want ask the wrong questions i gave my 1st name she asked my last i said ” i dont anwser questions ” so you want our help but wont give your name ” you dont need to know my last name” ” well i ask so that the deputies will know who they are dealing with” ” well i dont know how you do it but when i greet someone i dont use their full names unless im talking to kids and they in trouble ” “ok well ill let them know you refuse to provide a last name” ” thats fine while you at it leme know that thats my constatuional right” ” k” ” in case your unclear of the job you took on this call is what we call asigned task see im the boss and you and all your little work buds are servents of the public you fight crime and right now the only thing you seem to be trying fight is your boss “click so between the time that i made the call and my friend got back picked me up and drove me in the direction that nutty nuts wen waking the good ol sonoma county sherffis finaly blessed us with their presents and of corse they never fail to hold their record of letting people like me down they didnt care about anything other my name and my story they didnt check her they didnt take her to jail and they didint find my or even ask her were my cat was i dont know i would do if they hadnt come to not save the day or bring justice yea right ill tell you what had i not know that they were on their way i would have gotten justice myself i would have beat the how down she might have been nuts but she wasnt stupid she knew what she did was wrong if she didnt she wouldn have ran right? but she was white im not and i guess they have an idea of who ever they think i am that is the last time i call them ill tell you that. its a shame and its fucked up that our cops are bullshit yes there are maybe like 2 every other 100 that are ok and who are in it to help and do good but they are so rare bu t it did add fuel to my fire and i will keep on learning and keep studying and keep growing and i am going to envest in a new door and lock as well as a camera well thats its for now i guess i just needed to vent and share that with you all stay safe and learn your laws and rights AND LOCK YOUR DOORS

thank you everyone

i wanted to take a few moments to say to all wonderful people who took time out of their lives to drop me a comment it means more then you know and i love you all for it! i have never been an outgoing kind of person i have let fear run and control my life , one of the things i fear most is to be judged or laughed at it brings up a lot of dark past memories from my childhood and it just sucks when i read all the beautiful comments i cried and cracked a smile so big it almost broke my face! thank you all for the support and the feedback and for blessing my posts with your time it has boost my confidence and add fuel to my writing fire i was really worried when i 1st started i know how hectic my brain works and just how random and wired it can be at times i didnt want to run anyone off or sound dumb when i read what you sweet people had to say it just like gave me hope and it feels so good knowing that there are people who listen / read what i put up because that is why i have a wordpress to get my words out in the world and not let my anxiety limit me any longer so thank you guys thank you for the support and i really am just so happy that my writings and post can be heard by ones who may find beauty in them or learn something god bless you all

Amendment 1
– Freedom of Religion, Speech, and the Press

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech or of the press, or the right of the people peaceably to assemble and to petition the government for a of

Amendment 2
– The Right to Bear Arms

A well-regulated Militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed.

Amendment 3
– The Housing of Soldiers

No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Amendment 4
– Protection from Unreasonable Searches and Seizures

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizuresshall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularlydescribing the place to be searched and the persons or things to be seized.

Amendment 5
– Protection of Rights to Life, Liberty, and Property

No person shall be held to answer for a capital or otherwise infamous crime unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use without just compensation.

Amendment 6
– Rights of Accused Persons in Criminal Cases

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor; and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Amendment 7
– Rights in Civil Cases

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment 8
– Excessive Bail, Fines, and Punishments Forbidden

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Amendment 9
– Other Rights Kept by the People

The enumeration in the Constitution of certain rights shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Amendment 10
– Undelegated Powers Kept by the States and the People

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.

a biddy dummy dum dum doo

At a time when i was down and out and broken beyound expression i found a friend. A friend with four legs and a tail. I had now lost 4 babies and lost count of the amount of let downs and fails i had went through the drugs were no longer working no matter how much i used or how hard i fought to numb to the pain. I couldnt even succeed at killng myself i felt like a true screw up and i just wanted to die. I had a 3 year old red bully named swisher who i had got when her was only 5 weeks old he saved my life and was still at that present moment was the only reason i had to hold on. But like the drugs swishers love and comfort could only numb so much i was i guess becoming amune to both. I was was only line one day and for some reason that i still cant pin point i went on craigslist i looked at the free things i looked at the cars and labtops i looked through the gigs and the housing lists and last i looked at the pet secion. It wasnt untill i got to page 7 that i saw an ad for a lab mix puupy. At the time i wasnt really counting on hearing back from the peope who posted the ad but still i sent an email. To my suprize i got an email reply about 3 days later and we set up a time to meet . my boyfriend wasnt a really animal lover and if he was it would be a cat before it would ever be a dog. So i thought it best to not say anything out of fear of him shuting down the whole puppy paprade so i suggested that we talk swisher for a walk even thought it was raining i stated “he still needs his walks” and so we set out and i gently guided us twords the neigborhood middle school swisher was a really good dog and didnt do anything ever to be deamed anything but. As always he sniffed and did his bussnies in a timely manner but i needed more time the lady had not yet shown up and i was not about to miss out on a puppy and i really was not about to come to come clean before i really really had to. So i pulled the whole “i need a break” we sat down at the bus stop just outside the schools parking lot and with just my luck it started to rain a bit confussed and in attempt to stay dry my boyfriend suggesed that we return home they still hadnt shown but just then i got a texted message from her saying they were close “ just a few more mins babe “ it was a sat so when a suv pulled into the parking lot i knew that it had to be them i shot up and while proceeding to walk to the car i said “ oh by the way you got me a puppy THANKS BABE”

Too confussed to arguee he stayed holding swisher and i went to collect the new member of my family. The lady got out said she was sorry for the delay and went to the back door she opened it and out poped this long ears chocolate lab pup. He was the 2nd most beautiful thing i ever saw and i knew right at that 1st meeting that i was ment to be his momma. Seeing how happy it made me my boyfriend didnt protest and that shock me but i was beyound greatful. I named him bagherra and we grew closer and closer everyday it had only been a short while since i had lost that last baby but having badoo really aided my pain and gave me reason to get up everyday. He had been put out for adoption beacuse he was TOO MUCH for them to handle and i knew how it felt to be given on so we connected on every leavel and deeply. Bagherra saved and he kept saving me every day he was motivation my support my comfort my rock my best friens my baby and gift from god . he sadly passed away in 2018 just after turning 3 he was hit by a car and till this day i have a hole in my heart. I miss him beyound words and i think about him every day i say good morning when i wake up and good night when i go to sleep. He saved my life as i saved his and i will always carry him in my heart spirit and soul.

Rest in peace bagherra aka badoo i love and miss you so much

Thank you for all the blessings you were showered me and my life with

i love you bagheera and you are always in my heart

i miss you so much everyday

memory lane and reminder ave

There was a brief time that we were on our own living the grown up life just the two of us. That was how i loved it. We were living in a county hidden just in the lining of the surrounding mountains. The roommates that once filled the double wide mobile home had all separated and divided off into the own lifes. So we were left with a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom double wide mobile home on 2 lots a 2 car detached garage. The house also had 2 porches and a sun room. The sun room was my art studio and then was turned into a puppy room.

Right before we we the only ones there a friend had informed us about a litter of puppies that his room mate had and was trying to rehome. When the pups were about 6 weeks one early morning my friend and roommate cynthia and i went to pick out a puppy. There was like 6 or 7 i can’t really recall other than the few that sick out. The 1st puppy i saw and wanted was the smallest one a little brendal girl but when i tried to hold her she cried and ran back into the create with her mom so my next pick was another girl that was light brendal on the arms and back but white face as we we were leaving a little dark brindle boy followed i couldn’t get him so both came home with us. Mamas and papas were their names and they were a joy. Two puppies were fun and a lot of work especially since we already had bagheera. We got the puppies their shots and i made sure to deep scrub the house everyday to keep germs away. About two weeks had passed maybe three when we were back over visiting the friend who had blessed us with the puppies and saw there was still 2 puppies who had not yet found homes. In every way it was just more ideal and reasonable for us to take them home with us they were not thought of as anyone in particular pets but just awaiting either to be bought or given away. My boyfriend even though he was not a dog lover he also was not a dog hater and had a heart, so he agreed to let me bring them home. That is when bane and bella joined the family. Bane was the 1st born and the biggest. Bella oddly enough was the the little tiny runt i had wanted at 1st. When we got home the puppies were happy to be reunited bagheera not so happy but was not mean to them he just kind of short stayed cleared of them. We were doing a puppy a week for shots and almost to the last one that one being bella when out of nowhere the puppies started to get sick. I cleaned and cleaned and gave them water i wasn’t sure what was wrong then i saw the signs and i knew it was parvo. Sadly bella was the only one i thought was at risk since she did not have her shots but the other three did. I spent almost 2 weeks pumping fluids into them cleaning the house giving them electrolytes and vitamins . but all the time love and energy i put into their recovery sadly did not payoff and one by one they died. All except for that is BELLA! That time we had in the clearlake house was one of the both nicer and not so nicer times we have shared, but what made it stand out for me is that we had our own little spot well our own huge spot and it was nice to be able to call a house a home being that we have had severl homes in the form of a room or tent or car and even under a bridge but that was our 1st house .

When the base and foundaion of a structure is shit it does not matter how hard or long you work or how many people help if you use top of the line tools etc whatever you are building will eventualy fall down it will bukle and tumble maybe not 1st or it may even take a long time but youll know in the back of your head that it is just a matter of time before it comes crashing down

The house was owned by a friend of my father in law and spouse who has passed away and the daughter granted she was morning both her parents just let everything go down the drain.the water and power went off i still dont know how she expected us to pay rent and pay for utility blll that were left over from the group of friends that has recently jump ship.

I came home one day to a red tagged house and peper sprayed dogs who happen to be tied up there was no reason and the cops had no right to come on privet property and do that to my dogs as well as brake my windows. Ive never been able to express my feelings properly and i i i called my man melting down and yellng when he got home he was mad and he had every right to be. He snaped and hit me with a 2×4 and broke my back We once again were without a place and with two dogs and a broken back. Light a message from heaven my father in laws best friend came to take us to her property a town away. We use to fight a lot and we ended up getting kicked out (if by chance you read this nikki and victior from the bottom of my heart i am so sorry and thank you for all you tried to do for us.

We ended up staying at a friends for a while and bought a rv from her , but again our fighting got us into trouble and she ended up 1st kicking him out and i shortly followed him i didnt even say goodbye . we returned to sonoma county without a plan or place but like every other time we did have each other and that was all we needed to know it was going to be ok. The next few months we jumped back and forth between the yard of my in laws and the bridge down the street my man linked back up with an old friend and was able to get his old job back after a few months of hard work he was able to buy a car by that time we had moved back to fulton to my dear in laws who are gods angels on earth i want to take a moment to say somethings that i havent been able to say due to my anxiety lola and fred navarro i love you both so much and i can never repay you for all you have done from day one you both have been more grandparents then i ever had you are now and forever more my family thank you for taking me in thank you for putting up with mine and pjs none sence thank you for being understanding about my condion thank you for being the 1st people i saw when i woke up in the hospital thank you for wanting better for me and for pj thank you for being you . ok so now we were back at my in laws and my babe was working and had car and we were slowly crawling up out from the hole we had been in and then a sudden shake came when we lost my auntie just a few days before her birthday. It took everyone by suprize and left all of us really broken but like all sorrows there was a blessing hidden waiting for us to find it and her name was auntie v. auntie v is another angel and has just been a blessing we love you auntie v and thank you for all you do and are.i am so thankful to have met you and to have you in my life. We also got a chance to meet my aunties dad and sister and that was really cool it hurt having to be the ones to give them the news but from what im told everything happens for a reason so my the choice to just trust that instead of fighting it and trying to find out what the anwsers are im starting to accept that im not ment to know all the anwsers and that i will know all that i am ment to when the time for me to know is right. Its really a big step for me and its hard work but i know if i stick to the new habbiits that i have taken on i will get to a point where it comes easy and wont be such a hard task so even on the days when i am feeling frustrated and it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnle i push myself to meditate and visulize the life and all that i want i look deep inside myself for the feelings that would come with what i want and i do my best to feel them as if i am already living my dream so that i can bring it to me i dont know how long it will take but i do know now that everything i desire is already mine by divne right and that when i am ready and able to handle it i will recieve it knowing that gives me a feeling of excitement and i get butterflies in my tummy i know that this entery kinda went all over the place and if you got lost or if it upset anyone i understand and can empathize i am no different and there are so many times that i get upset with my mind and its scattered ways of working but then i have to remind myself that i was made the way i am by greater source and that i am a beautiful creation that took time and design and then i feel a little better and sometimes even a bit proud

mental and spiritual doors opening

i have been reading everything i can find on the law of attraction and really been putting all i have into it like trying to keep my thoughts only ones that are good and doing what makes me happy. i find great joy in meditation and have made it a part of my everyday life it is truly a great way to ground and charge being an empath i need to charge up a lot and if i dont everyone suffers and its not any fun. one thing i have found myself strugggling with is that to other people in my life it seems like i am not doing anything like i am just a lazy unmotivated couch slug and no matter how hard i try to explain it they just dont seem to be able to understand and im starting to accept that i need to put all my energy into me and my understnding of the prossess and stop trippng about others. its hard and more so when its someone who means a lot to you life is so trippy. so i watched this movie called the secert and it is a must see for all! the book is just as good and there are more books that are on the top of my read list so as far as i know there is 1st the seceret then the power ,the magic and then the hero i think thats the right order of them and they were writen by rhonda byin im pretty sure thats her name if you dont already know of these books then please hear me when i say that these are must reads!

anyways so lets see what else oh i have made it a point to see to it that i meditate everyday and i am getting better at it at 1st i would get so mad at myself for not being able to not fall asleep but i didnt give up i kept doing it everyday and now its one of my all time fav things to do its a must in my life and i can see the difference it makes and i feel so much better and recharged when i do its the best way to ground and important part creating ones life. but i have come to learn that there is so much more to the law of attraction then just saying or thinking positive things its deeper and though so worth all it takes to happen it is hard work i use to think that it was pretty much saying that all we had to was daydream and that its all just kus well it is now my understanding that it takes so much more you have to put all of your energy into keeping your words thoughts feelings and action positive and good and you must trust you have to have faith because the law of attraction states that like attracts like so at 1st i may have said ” i want a large crop this year ” and now after all i have learned and using it in a present tense i say while watering or proning or rolling a joint ” i am a succesful gardener my marijuana grow is huge and healthy i have more weed then i know what to do with my weed is amazing and loved i am able to both sell and give away a lot and never run out of personal stash ” when im smoking i visulize large buds sticky and frosty purple and green mouth watering and juciy i see myself triming and packaging large packages and i smell the sweet smell of top nouch bud i feel my mouth water i feel the nice stone feeling i feel the pride and excitement and when asked if i can speare i do because i know that more will be here soon its mine by diven right and i only have to wait for the right time.

the thing that seems to mess me up is only when i am in a rush for whatever it is i am waiting on when i get restless i tend to fucked up but when i am calim and relaxed and when i go about trusting and knowing liveing and act out my faith things just fall perfectly together that is a fact and i have seen it time and time again.

tarot is somthing that i have been focused on i dabbled with them years ago but didnt stick with it it caved in to its hardness and gave up. then a few years ago an old friend gifted me a set of cards and they were the same set that i had tried my 1s time! crazy right. even then though i was only half heartedly into them and didnt put a whole lot of time into learning but then when i moved back to santa rosa and around my 28th birthday i bought my 2nd 1st set and this time i put all of my energy into ready the cards i was so excited and really set on learning but in doing so i would just ready all the different meaning bookd and that really made things hard because a lot of the time the tradional meaning of a card along with the card slot and the question at had i couldnt make any senece of it and it was frustrating and so that i wouldnt make a fool of me i stopped doing readings face to face and and started writing all readings in a log book ive done a few readings for people i trust not to judge me or laugh and they all told me that i was really good at reading tarot but somthing inside me is still yelling ” keep learning you can do this but there is still much to learn ” and so that is what i am doing i went from moping around waiting for my man to get home from work and wating my days doing nothing to waking up eariler and hitting my studies and doing my writings i meditate and recap a lot on the thing i am thankful for im making a vision bored and i picked up reading again i love to read always have. all this may not seem like much of anything but it has changed me and my life the law of attcration and its way has changed something deep inside and every day i am able to enjoy the magic of life its a working prossess but i have faith and i have lived proof and i know for a fact that its real and i give thanks for it life truly is what we chooce to make of it and i spent so much time on bull now today i love life and im excited to wake up every day to explore receive and create.

And they know best?

I don’t understand how things like this happen everyday children are removed from their homes in this County and granted that there are a lot of times where it’s needed it’s a very delicate situation that isn’t handled anywhere close to the best way possible having been on both sides of the table both being in foster care and then as an adult having my children removed no method to the Madness though there are a number of workers who are truly in it to help the number of workers in it for a paycheck or whatever other personal reasons exceeds that children removed from their homes and placed into these credited homes these places that are deemed worthy more worthy than the homes that they were removed from yet why is it that the children have a greater risk at being abused and have had a greater risk have had higher numbers and it with every year there comes more and more into the light yet the system is still able to take children and play some instead of only looking at a situation and its current Predator we need to start looking at the heads and the heads of the heads because there’s a chain of command there’s a way of doing things there’s a pecking order and if more and more homes in more than one home is coming up in and more kids or are coming up hurt maybe the heads and the heads of the heads are the sick fucks to blame

just some random thoughts that came up when watching the movie glass

so today i spent the day with a very good friend we watched movies and he always be having me watch these mind meth movies shit that makes you like really think i fucking love it anyways we watched this movie called glass and at 1st i was kinda not too into it but omg it fucking tight and OF COURSR it made me fucking think oh hold on quick side quiz ok so true or false the goverment trys to hide a lot and i mean a lot of things from us by covering up things that they feel like we THE PEOPLE arent able to handle like anything to do with ufos or important world events such as nuclear war super volcanos well pretty much everything that we would want and need to know our goverment is very secertive and crooked and always have some anwswer for everything guilding us to follow whatever beleifs they want they try to control everything from our money to the god we pray to but anyways is movie focused on people who are different and who are told that they are sick people who get put on all kinds of meds and put into mental hospitals in atempt to keep knowlage of soemthing greater hidden they dont want people to know what they are capable of doing that they have holly powers inside of each and every one of us we are all co creators and that does not have only a set race sex are class we are all gods children or whatever you like to call it no one is better or more meaningful then any other person it all just depends on how much we know and how much we work our spiritual musscles like anything else the more we do it then stronger it become and the better at it we will be thats all.

i really do beleave that most of the time when a person is suffering from mental issuses that its deeper then just that why would our creator make some one like that just to suffer no i think that these people are strongly connected to the high relm and that people in power try to decode it and keep it hush hush untill they have a handle on it almost every systom has a twin gift in the spirit wording so how can that be explained without talking down or discrediting the topic at hand. is it possible that when a person under goes trama that they are left a bit different inside? that their brains were effected the same amount if not more then their bodies? the human brain is so amazing and strond it is the control panel of each and every one of us without it we would not be able to live our brain is what tells our bodies organ to work and how its how we learn and grow inside our brians are always working even when we sleep in fact our brains work twice as hard when we sleep yet feels powered up when we wake up CRAZY so if all this is true then why is it so moviesh to think that humans are not able to do things outside the norm? so many people are stoped in their awakening placed on meds and sometimes put into hospitals when they should be taken care of and taught guilded encouraged and supported the world we live in is always covering up things that are of higher meaning and shuting out anything that isnt the way they feel it should be many humans blindly follow not knowing that they are meant to do so much more to be so much more im not saying that there isnt a higher power that is above i mean every group needs a leader but a good leader in my eyes is not one who is closed off to others thoughts or opions they work with the whole group and make sure to make choices that will work for everyone i really dont even know where i am going with this now and im sorry things have been kinda crazy and stressful my head is all over the place and i am just in fog


I went with a friend to help her recycle at town green which is a higher end of class i guess i mean like ok the whole town looks the same and there are no ghettos but its an old town with a long strong history but that is not the point of this post there i go rambleing gee i really need to not post so close to the times that i have a sit down with my main girl maryjane anyways…. ummm…. oh yeah so there i was collecting the blue cans and a lady and man came up and took it away saying that they were weighing them and wanting to know who i was and why i was doing what i was doing im not a big talker when its face to face unless i need to make a point that is almost like life and death so i didnt say anything i went to find my friend and let her know i know that she didnt mean anything mean by her words but jokingly she said ok go ahead and chill out in the car she said she wanted them to tell her that because then she would tell them where to stick it i went to the car to play a game on my phone and about an hour later she came up with tones of recycle and blue bins AND someone had seen her and gave her 20$ and thank her for her hard work! WTF REALLY????!!! am i missing something or did in fact i just get bumped to the back of the bus in the year 2019?! omfg it makes me sick how mean rude and disrespectful and so dumb isnt being racist like kinda out of date? i mean we are the UNITED states right am i in the right place because i was born in california and mixed race and couples out number full bloods by far so yeah like sorry to burst your bubble but you seem to be in the wrong place take that shit down the road PEOPLE it is easy to be a jerk anyone can do it but it takes a strong will and spirit to love like creator loves and to be a positive energy bank when you live your life in that way then and only then do you have something to be proud of often sit and wonder what you were like as a kid as a young man and as a grown man i can remeber you for the short while that you were around but not as much as i would have liked to but nothing ever comes frrom crying from spilt milk even though you left in 96 learning about your death in 2019 crushed me after i lost you and grew up without you then you are killed and i didnt even get to say good bye. since i will never get to hear your story in your words so i am going to give you a taste of my story since that last time i saw you when i was 6 ,after you left life went down hill fast grandma passed away in 98 and that was when things really got bad a went around the uncles and aunts because mom couldnt deal with me she could barely stand to look at me but there wasnt any other choice no one wanted me they all had thier own lives and families and i was kinda hard to deal with at that time when she was forced to take me she moved us in with my brothers dad we lived there for a year i think maybe a year and a half and during that time mom was going through missing grandma and she was hurt and mad that you werent there she was on edge and would blow up over everything and when i tried to tell her what meno was doing to me she beat me till my arm cracked and told me to stop lying and causing problems. i never brought it up again when she would leave for months on end i would only cry and beg her to take me with her she never did so i either would hide while he was home or i would sleep in my friends play house and every time i did i would get beat when she found out. her beatings were….. i.. she was.. what she did to me was wrong and im not going to surgar coat it not anymore she showed me no mercy and i got beat for more then just whatever it was i “DID” it was for all the times you hit her all the other women her teenage pregnancy her rape baby her parents mistakes and who knows what else she was haunted from. my mother was burtal there is no other name for it but this post isnt about her so to cut it short what the point is that i was left alone when you left and when grandma died so did a little part of me did too and life was hard it was scary it was painful and mostly it was loney but i dont want you to feel bad or guilty or sorry because everything that happened to me both good and bad all played a part in making me the person i am today.i am 29 now ive battled drug addicion since i was 13 meth being my drug of choice, ive worked at a daycare ,target , and then when i was 21 i was granted ssi because of my anxiety and ptsd i have 4 beautiful children sergio juan alexandrea renee grace nokosi tule and james dakota i dont have them with me and it was a really fucked up unfair and ilegal court battle when my blog is followed it all comes together to make show the my story as whole. i have not done that well of a job at picking mates and have been beaten raped left for dead broken down and everytime i have picked myself up and as i got older as i changed i learned how to find , see , and benefit from the positive no matter how big or small i stopped allowing myself to fall victum ive known my whole life that i wanted to be better i wanted to be good i am good and i have vowled to myself and creator that i will not frezze over i wont let my heart darken or my spirit become cold i will not become a monster i will always speak for the underdog i will always help every and anyone the best i can even when it means scarafice i find joy and fullfillment in helping others by showing kindness love support and positive energy i will always find the good the meaning and the lessons in all that takes place ill never stop learning or growing mentaly and spiritually the most important way i can and how i love to help is sharing my outlook with others giving them hope and showing that there is always a way to bringforth positive change you just have to take the needed steps if we all just do the next right thing and refuse to be drafted to the dark side then our world will one day be the world it was ment to be we can all live in peace and happiness it takes hard work focus and sarafice and the pay off is beyond worth it and will having on going effects long after we leave this world . i dont know maybe its childlike or maybe even airy but its how i think and feel and its how i live my life its who i am


so i find myself in a bit of a funk today its my youngest sons birthday and yesterday was the day my grandma lily passed away in 1998 AND on the 26th will be my 2nd sons birthday…. im a mess but i always am at this time of year i miss my babies more then words can say and with everyday that goes by a little more of me dies inside im not going to go too into the history with my kids there are other posts that tell that story and i am so not trying to have a full out meltdown i have way too many things that i am trying to focus on and get done like ive been writing every day i really want to publish my story as well as some short stories but 1st i want to get my life story printed and send it out into the world while i slowly work at that and doing everything i can to put together a savings for that i made the choice to take my other main passion to the next level i have always opened my home and heart to animals who need underdstanding compassion and a chance when i was younger it was mostly stray cats either i would take them home or i would go and take food and leave it along with bedding and whatever else was needed some i would keep others if and when the right home opportunity came up i would adopt out then there was nikko my 1st dog i was 13 and one day at the park my little brother and i heard a dog cry then yelling and laughing of kids we went over to by where to get a better look at what was going on and my heart broke there just below us in the water were these punk ass kids they look to be around my brothers age so im guessing between the ages of 9 and 11 they were kicking this poor little dog and one boy even tried to hold him under the water as i went to inform my brother that id be right back he was already 2 steps in front of me “lapa!” i yelled but he didnt hear me the next i heard was ” ay foo what the fuck are doing to my dog” before any of them could say a word my brother jumped on the boy who had tried to hold the dog under water and kick the shit out of him by this time i was already down were they were so the other boys could have jumped in if they wanted to being older i wasnt about to beat no littke kid up though i wished i was the same age that day so i could have but instead i went over a grabed the rope the poor thing was choking on from it being tied to him i losened it and yelled for my brother to come on we took nikko home he was a bit jumpy but i mean can you blame him? he was glad to be away from the evil shit heads im sure but to him we were just more people and he had no reason to trust people after what he went through it tool some time but after a lot of love and redirection we were able to earn his trust i remeber the 1st time i woke up to him on the foot of my bed i didnt even get to show him how happy i was cause as soon as i moved he jumped off barking and growling so i just told him to shhh and i went back to sleep poor guy i really did feel bad for him how could a human do such things to an innocent animal and why? as time passed nikko and i became close really close when i took him for walks i didnt need to use a leash he was a really good dog and his tail oh man ill just say that it took a min but once it started to wag it never stoped i didnt know anything about shots or vet stuff so one night when my mom said that i needed to make sure to get his shots if i planned on keeping him and that it would be good to do it either way if i kept him or not so i looked into it and called around by the end of my research i was so stressed out i was so scared for him i didnt want him to get sick so i planned to take him the following week but not even a few days later he got sick really sick and fast i was outside of myself i didnt know what was wrong or what to do i called every vet in the phone book and they all thought it sounded like parvo he was puking and shiting up water and blood i took him over to my cousind so that he wouldnt get my moms dog sick i sat with him in the shed all night holding him like a baby he was a baby he was my baby at about 3 am he woke up and strugged to get down he went to a coner and lifted his tail and once again let out a red river but this time he didnt come back over to me this time he went to the other far end conner and fell down i went to sit with him i didnt want him to go through whatever it was alone but nikki didnt want to sit with me anymore he crawled away from i dont like to be around anyone when im sick i gave him his space i sat back in the chair and while watching him fell asleep at 10 am i woke to him coking that was it i had to get him to a vet i wrapped him in a blanket and went to lay him down in he living room so i could flag down a ride but he started to julck and his eyes rolled back “nooooo nikki no come papa your ok hold on wer going to the doctor” i cryed so hard i coud barely see him i needed to get a ride but didnt want to leave him alone i yelled “help me ” and by the grace of god a rv pulled over in front of the house and a lady yelled back” hello you alright?” after a short scoop she helped me get him into the rv but he let out a heavy exhale and then stoped breathing i was fucking losing it i lost my best friend in a matter of days and never saw it coming as i held his body tears flowing down my face out o nowhere he gasped and my heart skiped a beat “”NIKKO” he was weak but he lifted his little head and gentaly licked my check he stared in my eyes for a short but intenecse moment before he died it was like he had to make sure to say goodbye goodbye and thank you i love you nikki rip and i didnt think to say it at the time but it is me that owes you a thank you you gave my life love reason meaning and spark ill never forget you and i only wish i could have done more for you.

on april 13th 2018 just 4 days before her 40th birthday my auntie christina passed away in drain pipe behind the airport blvd cinema she was a loving and kind soul who was loved by everyone that knew her she was always a person that many would look to in hard times because she put off an energy that could melt the north pole and a light that would outshine the sun she left us very suddenly and after a long wait in the dark not knowing much of anything we were robbed the opportunity to bring her body home the cops gave us the run away since we were not blood we had no choice but wait and hope that we got some new any news but nothing then by the grace of god and hard work by my mom we were able to get in touch with her blood family they had no idea that she had passed one of the hardest things was when we heard that they were in fact looking for her and planning on coming to find her and take her home having to tell them that she had passed stung our hearts we finally got a chance to meet and and it brought on much needed healing and closure we all loved her we all lost her and none of us got to say goodbye this tree that over looks the place she was last was the only thing we all had left of her with no ashies no body no update no good bye all we had was this tree and the sonoma county chp took it down out of spite to them she was nothing more then another homeless person one less for their streets and they lost not a blink of sleep over it it broke us and it left a hole in all of our hearts and now like it wasnt enough they took our tree down what kind of a heartless person can do that even if it is JUST APART OF THEIR JOB?


I would never hurt you even when you should be given a dose of your own medicine I love you to much and I would rather be the one hurt then to hurt you but today i really thought you were going to snap my neck or stab me i never know what to expect from you anymore you have done some things I thought only happened In movies and there are times that I find myself saying what I think is a last prayer I’m sorry that I pepper sprayed you but i don’t deserve to be hurt no one does and now you left because you say I’m abusive my mind is spinning and I can’t breath how can you be so evil why do I love you so much why can’t I be happy and greatful I should be excited to start a life without the pain and bullshit but here I am crying alone and hating myself for making you leave this is some fucked up shit

Soul will find a way

“does your world have a god?” After the words sliped out I found myself regretting them wishing I could rewind and take them back I feared that I had just added her to the LIST the list of names of all the girls I had scared off some even caused them to rule out dating for the rest of their high school year I was relieved when I looked up and saw her smiling eyes glistening in the moons light her words were neither irritated nor offended “oh yeah GOD how can anyone take a wonder like the universe and all that stems from it and interpret it in such a limited and conterdicing way?” I admit I was a bit confused about the meaning of her words she must have felt it cause she went on with ” there are so many different versions each man made cut and pasted to fit each creators wants and performance always changing always one sided and never the full truth humans here on Earth are at the top of the food chain but that’s not enough nothing is ever enough” for less then a split second I was defensive but quickly snapped out if it I mean it was true her words were harsh but they were true “yeah Im not a big HUMAN fan” she laughed at my attempted humor hopefully knowing that it was my own quorky way of flirting ” they just need to reminded” she stopped her sentence and closed her eyes taking in the warm wind I didnt want to be pushy but I needed to know the rest of what she was speaking and wanted to hear it before she forgot ” reminded of what” without opening her eyes she went on to say ” that this Earth you call home is temporary and greedy with it’s meaning the only things that matter are inside the growth change what you put into the world” damn she was good she hit me with yet more raw shit ” that’s deep it’s so true but I never really thought about it like that” jumping to feet she walked over to the body of water and fully dressed stepped in till it came to her knees looking back at me she gifted me one last gift of knowledge before she placed a request to cool it off serious matters and to just hang she said ” why does it matter how big of house you have what car you drive how much money or land you have or whatever else when you are going to leave this world with one less thing then when you came you can’t take anything with you not even your body” leaving it at that she disappeared into the lake looking at her I couldn’t help be think just how human she looked and seemed aside from being perfect she was the most beautiful creature I’d even laid eyes on both inside and out and I knew then that I didn’t care if she wasn’t from this world I wanted I wanted to protect and love her for the rest of my pathetic human life.


I find myself in a crossroad and very much in love with a man who is the center of my world who I have I jail for I’ve got an award for I would take a bullet for without any hesitation second thought fortunately if Mom does not love me the way that him and i don’t know what his reasons are for not just walking away his actions and his words are night and day as I am sitting here AGAIN in this empty cold home not cold like in temperature but cold as in engery I catch myself waiting for you but I don’t want you to come Im torn inside but the side of me that is thinking more clearly and wisely is just hope that you stay away for at least till i stop waiting I’m ok to cry myself to sleep I can handle the melt downs and memories i strong enough to pick up the pieces but I can only push myself to do that if you stay away I don’t deserve to spend the last little bit of time I have left here on earth unhappy or mistreated my body will soon enough be in a casket I refuse to be in a cell or cage now I’m not your pet or door mate or punching bag I am the mother of your son the bitch that always has your back and the one who see you in a one of a kind light and I’m sick I’m dying and I’m scared I don’t know whats going to happen no does but I’m scared to not be with you I’m scared to be alone I don’t want lose or forget you my kids my family and ever day I head ” hurry up and die already go die somewhere ” that hurts more then a broken back or jaw more then having a baby kicked out of me and more then all the shavings combined if you feel such hate why won’t you go why won’t you let me die in peace why won’t you let me let you go

I forgive you

I’m ready to forgive you for the hurt that you have done forgiving you doesn’t mean that it’s okay or that you’re off the hook it doesn’t mean that I have to like you doesn’t it mean that I have to accept you in my life forgiving you isn’t for you and it’s taking me 29 years to be able to fully commit to doing such but I forgive you for robbing me of my innocence I forgive you for installing a fear and hatred towards men in me I forgive you for your sickness I forgive you for the cruelty and abuse and I thank you because even though it came with a lot of pain and suffering and it’s taking me a lot of great hard work I can’t deny that even what you did plays a part in me becoming the woman that I am today I’m forgiving you because I am taking back the power over my life I refuse to give you any more of my headspace or haunt my dreams I refuse to allow the image of your face ruin any more romantic relationships for me you weren’t a relationship and you weren’t a spouse you were supposed to be a caretaker you betrayed me and you hurt me but you did not scare or break me I do not hold hate in my heart for you I don’t wish you ill will I only wish to that by the time you close your eyes and take your final breath that you have come to terms with whatever craziness LED you to be that monster who stole my childhood and that when you meet your maker you are able to correct it so that in your next life or whatever is next for you you have the opportunity to grow and be a better person