They hide behind a badge

when I think about the difference between cops and cons I get amazed every time I realize that they aren’t too different from one another my guess would be that the main differences are mind set and outlook. political mentality plays a part as well I’m guessing. but both are human both breath feel and bleed. why is it then that the cops seem to have the idea that they are some how above and better then? why do they get to brake laws violate human rights and harass stock and abuse? something that is important for me to make clear is that it is what the do outside the job script that breeds fear it’s the behind the seance beatings and harassment and it’s the violation of human rights that make them the bad guy. it’s clear that the hunger for power takes over a lot over many of the law enforcement community leaving them addicted and Jonesing for more. acting like a puppet master to these clowns that portray themselves as God’s or kings when really they are no more then paid tattle tails bullies with a badge and by far the most horrible hypocrites

Rip dad

the 1st time you left i was 6. you left because you didn’t deserve to be caged like an animal and you fell victim to the us government who see CRIMINAL like you as dollar signs. you also made the selfless choice to allow me a chance at life without the need to go underground (not cool for a 6 year old) and for that i thank you. I was sad when you left and there were times that i got hook on daddy issues but when in my right mind I know in my heart that my daddy issues didn’t stem from you I know you loved me and I know that you did what you thought was the best choice not right or wrong but the best out of limited choices…. and now I get news that you are gone gone shot in a blood bath war zone that my (us president) locked down with his bullshit wall kick. I was able to heal and accept not saying good bye be for because in my heart I knew it was goodbye only see you whenever I see you but now…this… I feel like that 6 year old waking up in the middle of the night to all the adults rushing packing and stressed and that pit from confusion and worry and no idea as to what’s going on i dont know why or how and i will never get to say goodbye or anything I wanted to tell you… so ..goodbye dad I guess I’ll see you when i get there

What we have become

it breaks my heart to look at how we use to after all these years it’s like you’ve lost any and all love you once had for me you say I’m crazy that it’s all in my head yet again tonight I came back to another empty bed you don’t respect me in short of way you disregard my feelings and ignore any thing I say it’s like all we is fight and grow further and further apart and every time it happens it fucking breaks my heart I don’t know what to do I’m confused as to just what is wrong and I’m starting to 2nd guess if this is really were I belong I know I have my faults and can be hard to handle but the fighting plus your distance is blowing me out like a candle I love you the same as the I fell in love and I miss how there were before but even if it hurts unless something changes I’m walking out the door

Don’t want to fight for your love

Im at my end I can’t take this is I’m drowning in a spin pool it can’t see i can’t breath I yell for you but your not listening your focused on him like always. Here I was spending my life with you for almost 7 years and then in a blink of an eye you started sharing a life with him he Is your center that holds your roots you base everything off him you clear everything by him you even listen and live as your told to by him. When asked if you love him you get mad and through blows and freak out but it’s not just me I don’t ask to make fun anyone can see and everyone asks not you but me. I can’t see you acting like you do when it comes to him I’ve never seen straight friends have as strong of a hold on one another like you both have. So why are you here i deserve more then to be your show doll I deserve to be loved and used not even to trick the world or yourself into thinking you are into girls after 7 years and a baby i deserve more and i deserve a man that is on my team and for me as much as I am for him but as long as he is in your life he will always be who and what you are for .

Wtf

I went to help a friend recycle she’s older and not in great health she has a routine in the summer summer where she goes to a weekly festival and collects the recycles I go with her to help her because when I go with her I I make a six hour trip turn into a 2 hour my age and health are advantages for that but last night when we were doing it I was approached by an older woman claiming that I wasn’t allowed to do it recycling at means because she was wanting out the cans and they followed me around making sure I wasn’t touching any of them so I went and sat in the car about a half-hour later my friend came to the vehicle with a smile on her face to show me that she had gotten $20 from somebody at the festival and a thank you for picking up and doing the recycling I’m not mad at her if she’s interested in that and she has a heart of gold but it just disheartening the way people are so judgmental and they make judgments off of appearance I get mean looks rude comments N so on for the way I look and people make a lot of assumptions I get hurt but then I get mad they don’t know me of my story it’s not like I’m breaking into houses or being a criminal I’m fucking helping the global warming issue I’m fucking recycling people now days have. No compassion and it makes me sick

Housing not handcuffs

It starts out like any other day and as you go along like usual all of a sudden boom it strikes you. The impact sends you to the floor and the ground beneath you crumbles and quakes This is all metaphorically speaking, only the person who can feel any the experience above is is one that is going through being attacked by the bullies who insist on running things. What anyone on the outside would see if probably a homeless person in a random road of camp and a cop or cops talking to them ( harrassing) depending on the day time person and cop but in that moment that person is having a piece of their being killed that person is getting one more reason to lose hope and that person is left alone to short out all those feelings it’s not right and it’s inhumane no body should feel like that being homeless is hard enough as it is it’s wrong to add on to it with heartless actions and words don’t focus on the neg or problem be a part the change that gives hope

I love you

We fight god do we fight and there are times when I want to rip off your face with my teeth and bite down with my back teeth then spit it out there are a lot of moments like that but they don’t last long and even when we are in those moments i still love you deeply I love the man inside and that man is my world he is my best friend my back bone my support  my motivation my mentor my other half he is my soul mate.  He is you pat and i don’t ever want to you to lose site of that because I know we have our hard times and when it rains it pores  but under the bullshit we are strong and we have each other thank you for everything that you do to take care of me and to provide a life and home for us thank you for always having my back and for being at my side when it counts I love you

“He is still a person”

Tonight my man and i went to a head shop and when coming out there was a little old man stumbling trying to get his cane he said something but I couldn’t understand him my man talked to him for a few seconds gave him what change he had then the security officer and store worker came out yelling at the old man to leave the parking lot and told my man not to give him anything because he was piece of shit and a junkie I fell in love with my man all over again when I heard what he had to say back ” he’s still a person he’s somebody’s son father and maybe papa ” I guess all the man had asked for was a blanket it broke our hearts that we didn’t have one to give him or more money on us our prayers are with Antonio and all the forgotten souls that are treated like less then EVERYONE is equal and deserves to be treated with respect and if you are doing good yourself it is your DUTY to pay God’s blessings forward to the ones who are worse off

like a stone

i dont understand any of it it seems to just be a tangled mess but i know in my heart that what we shared was real and it was deep but time along with other factors just kept us apart and all thats let is a whole lot of shoulda woulda coulda all that there is left to hope for is that maybe in the next life we will meet again and we will earn a chance to connect untill then i will wait like a stone

in love with the life inside my head

i do love you very much and i want to think that we are still in love oh god do i , but its clear that something is different between us and some love has been lost it stings to even think but t we show it in in our actions and in the way that we treat each other people who love each other do not treat each other the way we treat each other. its not suppose to be possible to talk the way we talk to a person that you love. humans im starting to think are under a false understanding of just what love is. i ask myself “well then what are you doing to do? and how long until you do it”? i can only think of one reply ” because i love him, and because i cant see a life without him ” but the truth is i am already living a life without him our talks are mean our tempers short and our bed is cold. i dont how or when things got so bad but i can tell by the ice that its been a while and heart becomes confused torn and doesnt know how to feel its like i dont want to go because ill miss but at the same time i l ready miss you

Older

As of 12 I’m am 29 and this year in am aiming for my dreams and I’m putting all my engery into my goals i have so many things that I’m working on and I’m so excited about all of it I’ve learned so much and I’m excited to keep on learning I have faith that it’s all going to come together and i am so grateful for all support and help by the ones that are rooting me along please check out all the links to see just what these dreams and goals are and if your able please take a look at my gofundme any and all help is needed and appreciated GOD BLESS

Every year at least 4000 animals taken to the shelter in Sonoma county California more. Then half are stays and a hand full get homes. With insane limited time so many innocent animals are killed a lot of the time the reason is only that they didn’t find a home in time well the fact that the shelter makes it harder to adopt a pet then a kid don’t help and they are not in it for the money? Yea right maybe not all staff BUT THE COMPANY AS HOLE IS

Just random fyi

You can be in a room full of people and be completely alone you can search and search for love to fill in the empty spaces inside and feel happiness but untill you learn that it is only when you are content with being with yourself you will feel whole when you stop feeling sorry for yourself thinking as if you are alone and beleave that in fact you are complete with God and your own higher self

Calling on all animal lovers

So being a Gemini I have myself spread all over with a few different projects I mean how can you only choose one cause and ignore the rest I know it seems childlike but from the bottom of my heart before I leave this world I want to make some changes people are so quick to complain about how our world is ran but at least half of the those people don’t do anything about it they don’t even vote but that’s another post my focus with this entery is to shine some light on a matter that is urgent and i am reaching out to the world because I can’t do it on my own there is a gofundme and twitter page with links and information about bails 4 tails and 4fultons 4gotten with are in the seedling stage being done out of my home along with a small team of people who care for people and life we serve stray animals and homeless people by providing meals clothing and foster care for strays pay from own pocket for vet cost and supplies  and with being on a  fixed income due to emotional disabilities it’s hard please spread the word and check out our story https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/my/profile as well as on Twitter at @ Urena_Christina and on gofundme email being 4fultonsfallen@gmail.com and Kittynomitty18@gmail.com thank you and god bless

homes not cells

for the past year and a half someone dear to me has been calling a empty field that has never been used for anything since i can recall, its not by any schools or houses its not in the public eye sight or where it gets in any ones way its keep clean and close to invisible so in fact unless you know what and where to look you would walk right pass it. with it being close to being illegal to camp anywhere there are very few and limited places that someone who is homeless can rest their head. this parictular place was chosen because last year my aunt christina passed away in the drain pipe she was also homeless. my mom whom this is based on didnt get a chance to say her goodbyes and being there helped her get through the dark days without her best friend and sister.
right before this last storm with out any warning the sheriffs and cal trans went to her camp to tell her that she had 72 hours 72 HOURS thats less then 3 days unless you pack without sleep to gather her belongings her house her pets that are three momma cats whom all recently gave birth to litters of kittens and leave didnt tell her where she could go that would be safe from harassment or from being forced to brake the law because it is a mistominor to be homeless or found on the train tracks. all just days before this last storm. i mean wtf?! right? i dont understand how any human with even only half a heart could go and harass someone who is at such low place in life. it pisses me off when i hear about these “calls” about people who are |”traspassing when they are found in an unused lot of land or building or even a dumpster i mean come on people i would think and for myself the 1st thing that comes to my mind when i see this is “is there any way i can help ” whether it be spare change or a jacket a smile or even a simple hello.unless some kind of crime is being comitted i would’nt even think about calling the cops to report some who clearly going through a hard time and who clearly needs help. its scary to think of the heartless type of human that think they have a right or duty to this curl act. and that is just what it that is a crul act because even though for the person who is making a call or complaining about the homeless for the homeless and not just the one whom the complant is about for homeless as a hole it plays a huge part in making it damn near impossible to live unless you are a rich person and that is wrong. it is inhuamne and its shamefull we are all equal and we are all americans who deserve to live the american dream

“this land is your land this land is my land from california to the new york island from the redwood forest to the gold stream waters this land was made for you and me”

do you recall singing this song in school as a kid? i do and it dawns on me that this song is one of the 1st lies we are fed.

Here we are

So here we are i can hardly believe that it has been 6 years since we met and fell in love. By the way happy birthday. These past years have held so much love and happiness tears and pain growth and conflicts lost and gain. There is not one thing in this world no amount of money nothing could be offered that I would tarde even a single second of the time I’ve had with you. We have been through good and bad times we had moments where we can’t stand to look at one another but still can’t go to sleep with out laying next to each other this year i want us to grow I want to reach higher levels of of success and i want to reach more of our life goals I believe in us and i know in my heart that together we can over come ANYTHING that life throughs at us i love you babe always have always will happy birthday & anniversary xoxox

Sstrange

Im aware of the voices and i know that they are from inside my head. I wonder if that old saying “if your crazy you don’t know it” because I am the 1st one to consider that a possibility maybe even the only possibility. So if I am awear of things that usually indicate that a person is crazy then am i crazy or am I not crazy? I can’t pin point the exact day that I started to notice strange things or things that were just a bit off or different but I know that I am in fact different and i am pretty sure that I always was. I can’t really explain it it’s not a black and white matter it’s more like a swirl of colors or like a sprinkle of salt on a snowball. I don’t even really know how I know I just do. And that can be frustrating especially when I can’t explain to another person or back up an option of feeling . It has caused me much conflict and lost. People don’t want to be bother with strange and i don’t know if I blame them sometimes I don’t and wish I didn’t have to

Abandon inside

Someone please help me im lost inside my head. It’s cold dark and lonely and it’s just me and the monsters worst then the ones known to live under childrens beds im losing any hope I once had to be saved to free because there is not anyone thats coming for me some have tried some more and some less but in the end they forfeit and walk away like the rest they can’t hear my screams they hear my sobs as I beg and plead “PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP PLEASE DO NOT Go this is a torment that no one deserves to know” but they can’t hear nor can they see the cell behind the mask that imprisons me it’s no one’s job to take on this task no one owes it to try but starting to look like that it is here were ill remain untill the day I finally die

harder then expected

so I’ve been doing a lot of work on my life I’m only 28 but recently learned that past ignorance and bad choices have done pretty bad damage on my kidneys heart and liver… sooo it all hit me at once and i was like “dude I haven’t done shit with myself or life” LAME I have so many things I had wanted to do dreams I wanted to reach differences I wanted to make and now here I am trying to jam into what ever time I have left and today i felt like ” o I just want to sleep what’s the point” well news flash there is no time for mornings like such. really the only reason for writing this entry was to vent so I could get on with my day THANKS FOR LISTENING (:

loves limits????

when love takes a turn or starts to come apart what is the right thing to do? I mean is there even a right when it comes to love? is love without limitation? are limits right or wrong? when you love another person is not something even if just 1 thing different from the rest of the relationships in your life? so if different enough to be given a claim of love are they not in somewhat of higher stance? does that mean get more leeway? I’m not saying that they have the right and pass to walk over or completely control the terms on the relationship but for myself I forgive because NOTHING is worth losing him. I sacrifice because NOTHING is of more sentimental value. I compromise because NOTHING is more important then to see his smile ,hear his laugh, or feel his touch. I have thought I was in love when I was younger but I know now that this is without doubt my 1st time. life is full with ups and downs and couples fight some more then others,and my relationship has gone through some pretty tough times some pretty ugly times and when people in my life that care about witness those not so good moments they develop an opinion. at 1st I used to get upset or feel judged today I can truly appreciate the cards concerns and worries of the ones I love and much of the time I agree BUT what’s enough or when do we call quit when in Love? are there some things that not even love can fix? and if so how do you really know how can we be assured that we won’t live the rest of our days wondering if we made the right choice by walking away?

you have no idea JUST how much I am doing….

I don’t know if its a hobby or habit but without much force or strike I’m constantly lost in deep thought about everything the are so many trails in my mind all tangled together and branching leading to other clusters many times I have to regain focus on what I’m am at the time SUPPOSE TO BE THINKING ABOUT there are so many wonders of the world and beyond I love learning and in fact get a kind of rush from it…

what am i doing why have i not stopped i should have left you the 1st time your shady ass got caught but i listened to your bullshit i fell for your game i thought that you were different but you proved that all fuck boys are the same its not loving you that i have any shame its me thinking u loved me back now that makes me feel like a brainless lame i been thinking and its a confusing blur nothing makes any sense and no answers appear clear

Television talk show…. (young and homeless)

I guess in all actuality i have been homeless off and on my whole life from the moment i was born. But this last time is what i would have to say sticks out farther from the rest. Its been 10 years… i was 19 when my mother had a change of heart and life style one i didnt fit into or what she felt i would clash with so under a fake 2 week time frame she moved out under my noise. Given our history i dont know why it shook me up so hard or why i felt so hurt i mean thats her get down its what she has always done. But this time she moved 5 hours away and took not only my little brother with her but my daughter as well. The next 5 years in my opinion did the most damage to my i guess life path. In a blink of an eye all the years worth of hard work in group homes unraveled and i was right back to lost broken damaged kid i went to foster care as. And again i was alone not just lonely or isolated but completely alone. Luck for me i was use to “winging” it and had become a solid master at it. So it began life on streets stressing hustling running around trying to lock in some kind of security and a any form of place to rest my head for if nothing else a few hours of rest. I had no job i didnt finish high school but i was in the wait stage of getting my ssi granted witch took about 3 years. In that time i continued that unstable stressful life. At some point my younger brother had came back to town to visit and my mother forgot to come back and pick him up so a fire was lit under my ass and within two weeks i got a job at target and my 1st studio apartment. Due to the reasons i was waiting for ssi the job didnt last long and once again it was a hurricane of chaos and stress i lost the studio and moved into a townhouse with my brother and his father which was also my childhood abuser. It was at that time my ssi was granted and the first block of stress was lifted from my fragile spine. The time spent with the monster that rob me of my innocence at the age of 3 was emotionally draining. And it took every bit of energy i had to uphold a mask and play nice. But like all skeletons do eventually my came bursting out of the cage and closest and things began to go down hill again. I got pregnant with my 3 child and that added a heap of new stress i had lost 2 kids to cps in a traumatic and unfair way and i was terrified to lose another one. My step dad kicked me out and out of desperation i moved to Oregon to work at a family friends daycare and to have the baby away from the corrupt sonoma county cps. I selpt on play mates and opened up for her at 4 am i work for room and board and i had the baby with the story that i had came to visit for graduations and ended up not feeling up to the trip back i had a beautiful baby boy without the baby thieves torment but Oregon was only temporary and when my son was 3 days old i took my only option which was a start to another tragic heartbreak. I could go on and on but to sum it up I have experienced many tragic events and i take full responsibility for my part in all of them i do full heartily believe and live by the law of karma but.. karma is not what keeps me homeless I am not fully to blame either myself along with so many remain homeless due to a world filled with judgement limitations and separation no one wants to talk to interact or hire a homeless person writing us all off as lazy drunks and shady tweaks never stopping to think about what more to their stories could there be like mental illness physical disability emotional damage etc its easy to look away complain and judge it takes guts heart and mind to have unlimited compassion empathy and understanding and it takes so much more to the little things to help out wither it be a donation of can goods 20$ in the parking lot a blanket warm jacket or a simple smile and hello but people theses days are so caught up in their own fucked off heads with their ignorant outlooks and their tunnel vision. I personally am what the government calls emotionally disabled and i have a extended background trail that displays how this has effected me my whole life still i try and i try and i have optimism and faith and i try

Casino take more then your money

I paid an unexpected visit to garton casino today I left my purse behind which happen to contain my medical marijuana the man at security desk said he could not give it back to me for it would be DISTRIBUTING I was not smoking or selling or giving it out I keep a small amount on hand due to medical reasons my cancer burdens me with nausea and i smoke pot to ease it . I just can’t wrap my head around it our world laws and government officials are fucking bullshit and have no rhyme or reason for any of their bullshit actions

Another lie another empty bed your actions are thoughtless when it comes to me and im telling myself to leave you alone you only damage and harm yet every time you call i run why cant you just go and stay gone ignore me avoid me time and distance is the only way ill be forced to move on if you have even the slightest bit of heart …. just go

Introduction

Well let me see i had the blessing of being born totally a black sheep im autistic and that with a mixture of a not so American dream childhood as well as grown up hardships make it to were i have a social phobia and keeps me from being able to meet and interact with other people BUT writing oh yes writing is my up most skill and how i communicate with the world wither your across the globe or in the same room. I have a mind overflowing with thoughts opinions ideas and experiences that i want to get out and into the world i guess kind of like putting my pieces to the worlds puzzle