check in

down to 3 and 1/2 mos till baby gets here. this week a must do is get back into doctors i dont want to go to scihp for many reason but the only other baby doc i know and have gone to is one in ukiah called care for her i went there when i was carrying james and its a good center, the only issue is the whole car thing which is another thing i need to handle soon. the stress of the whole thing is really starting to crash down on me and i cant seem to get HIM to understand and i dont blame him i mean i get it unless you been through it nobody can really and fully understand i just hope that when its time he will trust me when i say i know what the fuck im talking about and that we will be able to go smoothly to wherever we are going to go to have baby. i pray because i cant lose another one i cant go through that pain again i will die and i cant allow myself to get blinded or put off this plan for any longer then i already have i need to get back on the right track because come july the days will be couting down untill baby is here,

split in two

today i saw my heart in its two physical form sitting across from eachother. i went the bigger part of my life i was alone and no matter how hard i looked i couldnt find what i thought i was looking for and i really didnt have any clue what love was untill march 30th 2014 when i went to a small town called fulton i was taken there to be robbed and by the grace of god i ended up in the right hands of a very good man named pat navarro. he was the 1st man who ever helped me without wanting or asking for anything in return and who never touched me or made a pass at me. he allowd me to stay in his room and before long his son and i became really close and without even knowing what was happening i fell head over heels in love with pat martin navarro jr on may 13th 2014 i made a vowl to be a different women and to become girlfriend like, and even though i wanted to and even though i tried i wasnt able to reach that point to the fullest because i was broken and had not even the slightest idea what it was i was trying to become or even how to become it. for 7 years pat and i tried to hang onto what love little we had and ignored the facts that what we had was toxic we were blind and comfortable with our unity even though it was barley held together like a puzzle of mixed matched pieces for a while we both looked at it with pride for it was our joint art but over the years as we both changed as life changed and as we grew as individuals we grew in seperate directions and even if we both had still liked the art work not both of us could enjoy it at the same time. however in the prosess of the changes that wasnt the issuse that was faced no longer did both of us look at it like art not both enjoyed nor liked it to one it was still the 1st finshed pice of art that one had had part in creating sadly to the other it became a untasteful anoying and tacky mess of failed atemp at art, youd think it was a no brainer then huh that at least one of the two would be taking a prized possession with them but as life happens nither that was the case and the one who still thought of it as art develped hurt feelings and took the art off the wall placing it in a box so that it was only for personal enjoyment but before long the enjoyment soured and became nothing more then a painful memory of what once was and what was no longer. that is the best way i can describe pats and my love our relationship and our story. being the gemini i am i am both happy for him and yet sad im sad that i couldnt do my part in upholding my end i hurt that i wasnt able to be what he needed and i am sorry for all the anger pain and bullshit i cost him i miss pat everyday i carry him in my heart and i wish him all the very best i hope he finds everything hes looking for and so much more nothing but blessings and i ask god to also bless my new relationship with george i ask that god wash me and heal me so that i can get it right this time and that i can be all i am ment to be for myself and that he give me the all the strength and skills and tools i need to create a strong healthy bond and that he take all of our road blocks and turn them into lessons that we both are able to learn and grow from.

im not in anyway sorry that i met pat i am greatful for our time together and i will hold onto the memories we shared and i now make a vowl to do my best everyday to be focused on my relationship with george and to no repeat my mistakes and to love him and show him i love him and to be understanding and stand at his side and be all i can i am letting go of all the pain all the bullshit and i am starting over right here on this day i am looking forward and my goal is to not look back not to bring up the past or nag i want this to work i want to be happy i want to be happy with george ive loved him for so long and now that god has brought us together i dont want to fuck it up i dont want to lose him to i love you pat may god always watch over you i love you george i am right here babe and i will be untill you no longer want me to be

fuck this shit

so if im understanding things right if i talk to guys or have a male friend then im a whore if any male comes aroud and i have any interction with them then im creeping around with them but he can have million of female friends he can talk to exes he can take off and do whatever the fuck he wants even if its the same things he gets mad at me for and its ok well heres an update no its not its not ok and im done with the bullshit and im done with the doubble standards im done dealing with it and im not going to put upi with it anymore

uncovering the undercover

i seek the truth the real truth and im driven by learning the facts that the world hides. things that are important to be known. so what i need to find out is just where i can learn these facts when their ment to be hidden like google for doesnt give full truth all the time and when i did some digging on a matter i learned that google and the fbi vault provided different results

gemini

the sun ; good times happiness and saticfaction being on the right track and in sync with the universe and having a open fast flow with your energy

4 of swords ; a time of rest after trama recovery from hardship gathering yourself and getting back on your game after running yourself thin

the emperess: fertility and growth and progeress fruitaion and maternal guidence athority and love

some geminis may be coming out of a hard time or dark area spending too much time and energy on the wrong things situations and people spreading yourself thin and putting up everything inside of you to take care of or please otheres some are entering or just ending a rest gap that was much needed in order to regain your footing and recharge your base if you are one of the geminis that are already coming out of the rest you maybe notice that your feeling reconnected and in tune to the universe that your engery is highly rised and fast flowing you feel loved by the universe and either yourself and or otheres having an idea of the what is needed to be done and having the courage to follow throuh with it if you are not yet at this point rest assure that you will soon be able to feel the warmth of the sun that beats down on a beautiful day when all is well and the flow of all around is in sync no matter how dark it may seem at the moment know and trust that all will work out in due time

a little closer

i talked to a lady about school today and got a little more done on the whole process so hopfuly i will be able to start class on april 1st. this is going to huge for me and its going to be a big part of reaching my goal.. when i am done with this class i will have some strong backup it will make me more then just a person with an opion my thoughts and words will mean something and i will be able to help people.

about and for my HIMS

i need to get right! i can see something now and it literally JUST learned it like a few sec ago and that is that i am a hot head short tempped person and i tend to jump the gun a lot and i tend to mess a lot of things up i dont mean to but and im mad at myseldf for it

like right now i have a man that loves me and who trys to get to know me the real me but i keep on shutting him out. i tend to jump the gun with it comes to thinking that he is being a jokester but i really think that he means what he says i think he might just be a little bit more like me in some ways like not being able to say whats on his mind like i do

or like no being too well with using communication all toghter ding dinng ding thats me again

wow babe if you ever do end up reading this i fucking love you so much and i am sorry for being a bitch im sorry for shuting down or shuting you out i am thankful for all you do and are to me i love you with all heart and i want you to know that im with you for the long hall

goal for the week well for the rest of it anyway is to NOT again NOT say anything rude talk back to or fight with my man

NO MATTER what to only reply with an okay babe or yes babe when he speaks to me and not make him feel disrespected or anything but loved