I waited a long time dreaming about being able to live the life i thought i wanted doing what i love reaching all my goals and being the person i thought i wanted to be but more then any of that i wished that the one i loved would someday love me back. well it took some time and now that we are in a relationship i am having a hard time taking his word when it comes to how he claims to feel about. even though i want to more then anything i cant help that deep inside me i have a block. i want to be able to have trust and not be stressed out and all the bullshit. i dont know if its me maybe its something wrong with my head or something BUT then again maybe its not. im confused and i am falling apart i wont to fuck up and i dont want to get fucked over he is always saying the most mean things to me and talks to me like im a whore and acts as if i am just doing all these things that i couldnt even dream of doing i try to show him in everyway but he will never see it or maybe he sees it but he will never care even though this baby will be here in a few weeks i think it might be best to just cut ties and go my own way im better off alone and i can do better alone knowing that i am alone instead of being here thinking im not when i really am i dont know what i did or why he picked me to take out his anger from his past on but i have never done anything but love him from day one i loved everything about him and wanted to build a unit together be a team, i wanted to love him past his past choices mistakes and pain and always did what i thought was needed to let him see for himself just how much i loved him but no matter what i do or dont what i say or dont he will never see he will never accept my love and he will never fully take my heart or give me his i feel like a walking joke one thats a private insider he shares only with his self its a fucked up feeling when the man you love makes you feel like your just a 2nd choice or a fall safe ” i guess youll do” is some of the most hurtful words and they cut deep its clear that im not what he would pick if he lived in a perfect world and i hate that it feels like this whatever it is is no more then him just being a nice guy who got stuck with some bum and her dog . george is one of the most amazing souls ive met in this life and no matter what i cant deny that there is and has been from day one been this un explainable bond it breaks my heart to think that the whole thing is nothing more then a foolish one side daydream

Dont Take Anything Personal

Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world _ the four agreements

its not easy to remember this agreement all the time and can seem almost impossible when dealing with people whom we love and care about, due to a mixer of misleading reasons we seem to take the words thoughts feelings and actions of those around us personal by default without even thinking about it. when something hurtful happens we get caught up in wanting to know WHAT WE DID to deserve what ever happened to happen we feel that we some how are for sure to blame that we must have done something or we lack something or whatever it may be when really what ever has happened has nothing to do with us and there is no need to allow the situation to hold any amount of emotional hold on us.

I was in a seven year relationship that was very abusive and toxic and no matter how bad it got i stayed i could even think about what life would be like with out him then one random day without even a goodbye he left well he just never came back. i was so broken up about it and i spent weeks crying myself to sleep and numbing my pain with drugs i was driving myself crazy my head was a prison for questions like why? what did i do? how could you? really? etc and i stressed to find answers that i may never find in fact i am sure that i wont. then a friend of mine brought me the book the four agreements and when i say that that book changed my life i couldnt mean something more that book woke something up inside me and gave me a starting point and the courage to start.

i know in my heart now that i will never find those answers because they have no relation to me what he did and what he didnt had nothing to do with me his actions and words were no more then a side effect or whatever of his own shit i had no control over what he did or what he said and no matter how many times he spoke ugly to me it was not because i am ugly nor did it make me ugly when he hit me it was not because i was bad or deserving it was because that was the only way he was either able or willing to communicate but there were no truths in any of it and i didnt have to accept his opinion about me as my own.

you dont need another person to give us meaning value or name we should not think that another person has that right know who you are and what you are about know that that can not change no matter what anyone says or thinks you are in your own reality and your does not cross over to another everyone is in their own and need not waste time or energy on seeking unneeded approval from outside sources we need nothing more then our own knowing .


I’ve come to point where I am completely at lost and I don’t mean like I don’t know what to do cause I do it’s just a hard choice. It’s fucked when your own happiness can be and is affected by outside influences and more so when those influences are so called love ones claiming to love and care about you. I have always been bad at self care and anything that falls under it like self love and protection I seem to always allow the wrong people to hold so much control over my life. I love to love and I try to see the good in everyone but sometimes I end up trying to create the good where it doesn’t exist. After all these years I am finally breaking I’m drained and broken I have nothing else to give not even energy or heart I am having a hard time seeing anything good coming from this if I don’t get out now this bullshit is going to kill me it’s killing my. Spirit draining my soul and scrambling my mind and for what for a man who says he loves me but who breaks me down daily hurts me accuses me and blames me for everything that goes wrong this is not love this toxic and dangerous and I need to get out

I received a boat yesterday. My family who adopted my son drove here to give me money to get a phone and offered me a chance out of this rut. I need to get Bella situated to either go with me or somewhere to wait while I go to a program I need to get myself to a healthy spot I have been on break for too long and I need to wake the fuck up I am falling backwards fast and it’s killing me

Be Impeccable With Your Word

Today i will do my best to be impeccable with every spoken word. Today i will avoid gossip as well as situations where gossip is harvested . Today i will look at every situation as chance to climb up my spiritual ladder weither my 1st take be positive or negitive. I will keep in mind that everything and everyone i come across is part of a bigger plan then i may be able to see or understand at the moment and that i have the power to create the life i desire with the ability to change any and all aspects i am not so pleased with. Instead of losing or giving away my power to another i will remember that whatever it may be that is upsetting me is not a punishment but rather a gift with rare beauty hidden for only the ones who buckle up and charge head on

~ speak only spoken words of intgrity saying only what you mean

~never speak words against yourself or others

~always use the power of your word to push in the direction that leads to honesty acceptance and compassion

~ your words are the seeds that you spread and your life is your garden see to it that you only plaint seeds that will produce what you truly desire to see in your garden. and when if you happen to plaint a seed or two of which you regret promptly correct your action by removing the roots and give thanks for the lession and new understanding of the cause that led to that mixup

still a toad no matter how many kisses

how many kisses till you accept that he is going to remain a toad ? how many tears need to fall before you can admitt that your on yet another dead end road? how lies need to be told to make it clear that your feelings mean nothing nor do you? do you really need to be loved that bad? so bad that youll take it anyway it might come? no matter how much it hurts or how low it makes you feel? how can you seek something in another that you so clearly have no idea what it is that you think you are seeking? and this is fact i can say for sure for if it wasnt you wouldnt be seeking what you keep on running into because you if you loved yourself you would know what love is and what it isnt and you would settle for anything less

update for bails 4 tails

a little push back due to lockdown but still planning to host a crafts fair within the next upcoming weeks to raise funds to open a new and perminent center, it takes money to open and start something and being on ssi is not going to cut it. but it will happen i am willing to do the work needed and i have faith that it will all fall into place, there is so much to do and when you are broke its like having your hands tied behind your back. i have started a few webpages but i need to pay for the domain so i can have more options i been piceing together posts and social media pages and going to be putting in some work on making an instagram and twitter for bails 4 tails i also plan to write out donation request letters however that is something i always have a hard time with due to fear of rejection but ill push through it

i really am excited about bails 4 tails its been the center of my drive my hole life and seeing it through is my main goal in life. i know that it will be a game changer and the start to a whole new world in relation to animal rescues its the only way things should be and i know that once in place people will see that and feel the same.

check in

down to 3 and 1/2 mos till baby gets here. this week a must do is get back into doctors i dont want to go to scihp for many reason but the only other baby doc i know and have gone to is one in ukiah called care for her i went there when i was carrying james and its a good center, the only issue is the whole car thing which is another thing i need to handle soon. the stress of the whole thing is really starting to crash down on me and i cant seem to get HIM to understand and i dont blame him i mean i get it unless you been through it nobody can really and fully understand i just hope that when its time he will trust me when i say i know what the fuck im talking about and that we will be able to go smoothly to wherever we are going to go to have baby. i pray because i cant lose another one i cant go through that pain again i will die and i cant allow myself to get blinded or put off this plan for any longer then i already have i need to get back on the right track because come july the days will be couting down untill baby is here,

split in two

today i saw my heart in its two physical form sitting across from eachother. i went the bigger part of my life i was alone and no matter how hard i looked i couldnt find what i thought i was looking for and i really didnt have any clue what love was untill march 30th 2014 when i went to a small town called fulton i was taken there to be robbed and by the grace of god i ended up in the right hands of a very good man named pat navarro. he was the 1st man who ever helped me without wanting or asking for anything in return and who never touched me or made a pass at me. he allowd me to stay in his room and before long his son and i became really close and without even knowing what was happening i fell head over heels in love with pat martin navarro jr on may 13th 2014 i made a vowl to be a different women and to become girlfriend like, and even though i wanted to and even though i tried i wasnt able to reach that point to the fullest because i was broken and had not even the slightest idea what it was i was trying to become or even how to become it. for 7 years pat and i tried to hang onto what love little we had and ignored the facts that what we had was toxic we were blind and comfortable with our unity even though it was barley held together like a puzzle of mixed matched pieces for a while we both looked at it with pride for it was our joint art but over the years as we both changed as life changed and as we grew as individuals we grew in seperate directions and even if we both had still liked the art work not both of us could enjoy it at the same time. however in the prosess of the changes that wasnt the issuse that was faced no longer did both of us look at it like art not both enjoyed nor liked it to one it was still the 1st finshed pice of art that one had had part in creating sadly to the other it became a untasteful anoying and tacky mess of failed atemp at art, youd think it was a no brainer then huh that at least one of the two would be taking a prized possession with them but as life happens nither that was the case and the one who still thought of it as art develped hurt feelings and took the art off the wall placing it in a box so that it was only for personal enjoyment but before long the enjoyment soured and became nothing more then a painful memory of what once was and what was no longer. that is the best way i can describe pats and my love our relationship and our story. being the gemini i am i am both happy for him and yet sad im sad that i couldnt do my part in upholding my end i hurt that i wasnt able to be what he needed and i am sorry for all the anger pain and bullshit i cost him i miss pat everyday i carry him in my heart and i wish him all the very best i hope he finds everything hes looking for and so much more nothing but blessings and i ask god to also bless my new relationship with george i ask that god wash me and heal me so that i can get it right this time and that i can be all i am ment to be for myself and that he give me the all the strength and skills and tools i need to create a strong healthy bond and that he take all of our road blocks and turn them into lessons that we both are able to learn and grow from.

im not in anyway sorry that i met pat i am greatful for our time together and i will hold onto the memories we shared and i now make a vowl to do my best everyday to be focused on my relationship with george and to no repeat my mistakes and to love him and show him i love him and to be understanding and stand at his side and be all i can i am letting go of all the pain all the bullshit and i am starting over right here on this day i am looking forward and my goal is to not look back not to bring up the past or nag i want this to work i want to be happy i want to be happy with george ive loved him for so long and now that god has brought us together i dont want to fuck it up i dont want to lose him to i love you pat may god always watch over you i love you george i am right here babe and i will be untill you no longer want me to be

fuck this shit

so if im understanding things right if i talk to guys or have a male friend then im a whore if any male comes aroud and i have any interction with them then im creeping around with them but he can have million of female friends he can talk to exes he can take off and do whatever the fuck he wants even if its the same things he gets mad at me for and its ok well heres an update no its not its not ok and im done with the bullshit and im done with the doubble standards im done dealing with it and im not going to put upi with it anymore

uncovering the undercover

i seek the truth the real truth and im driven by learning the facts that the world hides. things that are important to be known. so what i need to find out is just where i can learn these facts when their ment to be hidden like google for doesnt give full truth all the time and when i did some digging on a matter i learned that google and the fbi vault provided different results


the sun ; good times happiness and saticfaction being on the right track and in sync with the universe and having a open fast flow with your energy

4 of swords ; a time of rest after trama recovery from hardship gathering yourself and getting back on your game after running yourself thin

the emperess: fertility and growth and progeress fruitaion and maternal guidence athority and love

some geminis may be coming out of a hard time or dark area spending too much time and energy on the wrong things situations and people spreading yourself thin and putting up everything inside of you to take care of or please otheres some are entering or just ending a rest gap that was much needed in order to regain your footing and recharge your base if you are one of the geminis that are already coming out of the rest you maybe notice that your feeling reconnected and in tune to the universe that your engery is highly rised and fast flowing you feel loved by the universe and either yourself and or otheres having an idea of the what is needed to be done and having the courage to follow throuh with it if you are not yet at this point rest assure that you will soon be able to feel the warmth of the sun that beats down on a beautiful day when all is well and the flow of all around is in sync no matter how dark it may seem at the moment know and trust that all will work out in due time

a little closer

i talked to a lady about school today and got a little more done on the whole process so hopfuly i will be able to start class on april 1st. this is going to huge for me and its going to be a big part of reaching my goal.. when i am done with this class i will have some strong backup it will make me more then just a person with an opion my thoughts and words will mean something and i will be able to help people.

about and for my HIMS

i need to get right! i can see something now and it literally JUST learned it like a few sec ago and that is that i am a hot head short tempped person and i tend to jump the gun a lot and i tend to mess a lot of things up i dont mean to but and im mad at myseldf for it

like right now i have a man that loves me and who trys to get to know me the real me but i keep on shutting him out. i tend to jump the gun with it comes to thinking that he is being a jokester but i really think that he means what he says i think he might just be a little bit more like me in some ways like not being able to say whats on his mind like i do

or like no being too well with using communication all toghter ding dinng ding thats me again

wow babe if you ever do end up reading this i fucking love you so much and i am sorry for being a bitch im sorry for shuting down or shuting you out i am thankful for all you do and are to me i love you with all heart and i want you to know that im with you for the long hall

goal for the week well for the rest of it anyway is to NOT again NOT say anything rude talk back to or fight with my man

NO MATTER what to only reply with an okay babe or yes babe when he speaks to me and not make him feel disrespected or anything but loved

about and for my HIMS

i need to get right! i can see something now and it literally JUST learned it like a few sec ago and that is that i am a hot head short tempped person and i tend to jump the gun a lot and i tend to mess a lot of things up i dont mean to but and im mad at myseldf for it

like right now i have a man that loves me and who trys to get to know me the real me but i keep on shutting him out. i tend to jump the gun with it comes to thinking that he is being a jokester but i really think that he means what he says i think he might just be a little bit more like me in some ways like not being able to say whats on his mind like i do

or like no being too well with using communication all toghter ding dinng ding thats me again

wow babe if you ever do end up reading this i fucking love you so much and i am sorry for being a bitch im sorry for shuting down or shuting you out i am thankful for all you do and are to me i love you with all heart and i want you to know that im with you for the long hall

goal for the week well for the rest of it anyway is to NOT again NOT say anything rude talk back to or fight with my man

NO MATTER what to only reply with an okay babe or yes babe when he speaks to me and not make him feel disrespected or anything but loved

how would you deal with ….

having a sudden knowlage that pretty much everything you think that you know is not whatever it is you think that it is. can you imagne how a blow that big would feel? i think that is what i am feeling now i am in the middle of a very different kind of panic attact i have never felt any of this my chest is tight and cold my head a fizzy dizzy fog i cant breath enough and my insides burn i cant hear my heart beat so fucking clearly and it feels likes its going to shot right out of my skin

cry to creator

creator i come to you broken and weak i have fallen victim to a harsh demon and i cant seem to break away from it. i want to beat it i want to break free but it has its hooks in me deep. i ask that you walk with me and take this burden from me i know i that with you all is possible and i trust that with you i can over this and anything else i may face please dont allow me to fight this alone because without you in my life i am sure to fall

happy valentines

for the 1st time in my life i am blessed with a happy valentines day with a man that i am head over hills for who loves me back and shows it with every action and every word.

this year i am with someone who makes me feel wanted loved and valued and who brings light into my days.

this year i am getting to see what LOVE is truely

i love you babe and i hope that this is the 1st of the rest of our lives

living by the 4 aggreements

  • Make a list of recent incidents when you experienced conflict, anger, fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, or other forms of emotional pain and suffering.
  • Do you believe that some, or possibly all, of this suffering was avoidable? If so, how could you have avoided it? If not, who or what was responsible for your suffering?
  • Can you imagine living your life without conflict, drama, and emotional suffering? If not, make a list of all the reasons why it’s necessary to suffer. Think of every good reason you can imagine.
  • Is it possible that you have become accustomed (or addicted) to suffering as a way of life?
  • Are you ready and willing to practice The Four Agreements, and choose happiness as your way of life? If not, why not?

anger is something i try to avoid allowing myself to feel because for many years i was overtaken by it and it keep me prisoner inside my own head there were countless sleepless nights and endless lost days time that i can never get back and i got to a point where i had had enough but i am only human so of course there are times that i get upset but today i deal with it in a way different way i do however face anxiety on a day to day base and that is something that i struggle with bad. i get anxiety from the most simpleset things like even just going out into public or if a stranger comes up and talks to me i just get over loaded and i feel like i want to hide my head in a hole in the ground .

i think i would be able to avoid anxiety more if i mastered the aggreement of not taking thing personaly that is what i need to work more at

a life without conflict drama or suffering is the life that i dream of it is what my main goal of life is in the time i have left here on this earth i want to master the 4 aggreements

i think it is possible to become addicted or at least use to the drama of conflict if it is all you know then thats all you know is out there

i am more then willing and ready to start living my life by the the 4 aggreements and i am so excited to see where my life goes from here


its now feb 2020 and the silence between pat and i has yet to break, i saw him once at a friends house and it brought on a mix of feelings but i was able to walk away with dry eyes, im in a relationship with a man who ive had a deep connection with for a very long time and i can say without a doubt that i love him and i am happy but that doesnt change or take away from the fact that i spent 7 years with pat and have not only a son but a deep rooted history with him.

a part of me wishes that we could be friends or if nothing more be civil but he wont hear of it and thats something that i must respect and it gives me a chance to NOT TAKE THINGS PERSONALY

i have no control over how anyone thinks or feels about me and its not my burden to carry no person should be lucky enough to have the power to control my moods or emotions and that includes pat

i have many things in my life that i am doing to better myself and i am excited to reach my goals

school starts soon and starting today i am going to working out again

the first agreement

The first and most important of The Four Agreements is be impeccable with your word.

if you never lose sight of or forget that your word is your wand then keeping this agreement wont be that hard, the word is a very powerful thing and is a master tool of creation for each and every person on this earth. it is with your word that seeds are planted into the universe and it is the source that feeds those seeds as they grow into their manifestion phase.

it is with your word that reality is born weither of a possitive or negative nature is depended on the nature of the spoken word.

the words that spoken are the words that heard and the words that heard are the truths that are installed into the minds and hearts of those who hear it

each word spoken are like tiny spells that we cast throught the days of our lives and weiter we know it or not weither we beleave it or not we this is a true fact

god himself created the earth with a single word and with his word thereafter created all things inside of the earth jesus even stated ” For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.

everyday without knowing we go about casting bad spells on others and in doing so all play a role in creating a harsh world filled of black magic and evil acts by darkened souls we get so blinded by the actions of others forgeting or not knowing to begin with the any and all spoken words had jump started that darkness that we are fast to pass judgement to spite more neg words and to feed the neg cycle

evil is not a person but inside of or around god did not make evil he only gave freewill and as long as we live in a world were both evil and freewill both exsist there will always be dark times

just give it a try and see if things dont turn up even just a little starting right now for lets say the next 7 days agree to keep any and all words that you speak possitive and without judgement of others even if you feel as though you have been wronged try to be the bigger person and keep a possitive energy not allowing ANYONE the power to bring neg energy into your temple

coming out of hells basement

i cant put into words how being here right now back on line back on my blog back in MY world is making me feel its been a long time since ive last wrote and my break away crippled me in froze my soul and without having this blog to run away to and not being able to be in a safe place where i am able to short out the maddness of my life and paint it into more easy to deal with images i feel like i have been the walking dead but enough you get the point i was gone i missed you all im back and im LIVE its been a tough few months and i have damn near lost my mind found it and lost it more times then i can even recall but im pretty sure i have a hold of it now or at least enough to be able to sit and allow my fingers to tap out into words so that i can share with the world what life has thrown at me so it has now been 5 months since pat and i broke up and if you been following me for a while then you know that the break up broke me it fucking shattered me into a million pieces and for a moment i really thought that i was going to die of a broken heart in a blink of an eye the man i thought i would be with till death did us part the man that was the center of my universe my whole world and the sun that shined down onto it became a stranger without a warning without a goodbye without even a fuck off he walked out of my life and never looked back after 7 years filled with sky highs and sea deep deeps a son and a few lost babies many moves and losing his dad the man that was once the other half of my soul wiped me from his mind life heart and soul and it fucking broke me i was lost and hurt it hurt to be awake it huryt to sleep it hurt to think it hurt to live at 1st i waited i waited alone in that cold empty trailer praying everyday he would drive up after work or that i would see him walk in but day after day i waited and day after nothing no beep no moter no him i would sleep with the door unlocked and fall asleep listening out for his car or voice i would cry myself to sleep and every night i would wake from a bad dream or a good looking for him feeling out for him but each and every night nothing

its taken me a while now and it not over not by far but its a prosses and its something that takes time eveyday it gets a tiny bit easier to get through the day i no longer cry myself to sleep i havent wet the bed in while aside from one time recently but everyday i wake up a little stronger and more able and a little more wiser i have spent most of this time alone working on myself from the inside out and aiming to dive deep to my deepest parts inside where i hold the roots of my pain everyday i let it go i give to god over and over and on the days i hurt extra i pray and i ask for god to help me to take my burren my pain and to give me the courage to walk another 24 hours on the path i have work so hard to stay on and to see the end of

ask and he shall grant god helped by reconnecting me with a mate of my soul from the past he to is coming out of a dark place and has also been broken and has a hard time accepting love or trusting but he has a huge heart and he helps everyone he knows even the ones who dont deserve it or talk shit or do shit he always helps as much he can and under all the pain and anger he is such an amazing person and i thank god for putting him in my life I LOVE YOU GEORGE i love you so much thank you for loving me thank you for being my friend my man and my rock you mean more to me then you know and i want to spend the rest of my life getting you to understand how i feel for you i know times get hard and life is filled with bullshit and haters but i love you and i want this i want us and i will fight for us for as long as i know that theres something to fight for


Hes good at what he does I have a broken heart to prove it and i feel ashamed for it I wish I could just be whatever he wants me to be but I can’t just not love him Iu can’t just be his friend not when I he can fix all my worries with a single touch not when his kiss takes every breath out of my lungs and not when his heartbeat sings me to sleep i love him and I know that we are connected on a deeper level and have been for life times I just want him to know that I love him

Another crack

I don’t know if it’s the hormones or if I’m just a nut but I’m overwhelmed with emotions and I feel like I can’t breathe all I want to do is curl up next to him and feel his touch but all I can think of is how empty his eyes were and how cold His words were I guess I am in this alone

Book review :: THE SHACK by wm. Paul young

Today I want to talk a little bit about a book that I read actually several years ago but this book carried such a powerful message that I reread it constantly and to say that I recommended is an understatement because this book open my eyes my heart and my soul without any struggle or forced I love this book and I recommend it to everyone no matter what your life is strange thing is what your take on the whole religion thing is I like it because to me it’s almost goes hand-in-hand in a category with the movie risen which technically both are based or any they talk about you know religion and experiences with God but it’s not necessarily religious it’s more spiritual it’s very spiritual it’s beautiful and having come from a past where bad things have started to happen from day one it really helped me to end my victom cycle and know that the bad things in life don’t have to hold me down and don’t have to keep me in darkness now I’m able to legitimately and genuinely in my heart take every challenge as a lesson as an opportunity and I take it with honor knowing that my maker is so amazing and loving that he chooses only his strongest warriors to tackle some of the darkest battles but no matter how hard it scary or torturous situation can get that we’re never alone and we have the strength inside us all because we have all have a big piece of the maker we all are made by the same source of loving strength that we can overcome obstacles that a lot of us right off that first thought as defeating impossible but as long as you walk the walk of love and knowledge and strength and Hope and Faith and know that you’re not alone in that you can do it life gets a bit easier and this book is just it’s just everything it’s everything that I feel anybody would say about the matter summed up into one ezflow story that touches your heart and makes you cry and makes you upset and confused and then brings you clarity and pulls you out of that mist and I really want to thank the author mr. WM Paul Young for writing this amazing piece called the shack and it it’s definitely you know I have myself personally given at least six or seven copies you know I’ve I always find them like at second hand stores or I’ve found them at the free book places and I grabbed it every time that I see it I don’t care like if I already have a copy on the shelf I usually have it at least two copies because I love to read I reread it at like at least once a month and if not more just because every time I find myself face-to-face with something that is questioning or challenging my faith I reread this book and I’m able to not only take a mental break from the current situation but I’m also able to remind myself that it’s not an attack on me from God and that I’m not alonebest this book carried such a powerful message that I reread it constantly and to say that I recommend it is an understatement because this book open my eyes my heart and my soul without any trouble or force I love this book and I recommend it to everyone no matter what your life is tuition is what you’re take on the whole religion thing is I like it because to me it’s almost go ahead and hand in the category with the movie risen which technically bulls are based or any they talk about in know religion and experiences with God but it’s not necessarily religious it’s more spiritual very spiritual it’s beautiful and having come from a past where bad things have to started to happen from date one it really helped me to end my victim cycle and know that the bad things in life don’t have to hold me down and don’t have to keep me in darkness now I’m able to legitimately and genuinely in my heart take every challenge as a lesson as an opportunity and I take a with honor knowing that my maker is so amazing and loving that he chooses only his strong as warriors to tackle some of the darkest battles but that no matter how hard scary or torch wrist situation can get that we’re never alone and we have the strength inside of the all because we have all have a big pieces of the maker we all are made by the same source of loving strength that we can overcome obstacles that a lot of us right off that first thought as defeating and possible but as long as you walk the walk of love and knowledge and strength and hope and faith and know that you’re not alone in that you can do it life gets a bit easier and this book is just just everything is everything that I feel anybody would say about the matter some dope into one easy flow story that touches your heart and makes you cry and makes you upset and confused and then bring you clarity and pulls you out of that missed and I really want to think the author mr. WM Paul young for writing this amazing peace called the shack and it it’s definitely you know I have myself personally given it least 6 or seven copies you know I’ve I always find them like a second hand stores or 5 found them at the free book places and I grab it every time that I see it I don’t care like if I already have a copy Amish off I usually have it at least two copies because I love to ride reread it like at least once a month and if not more just because every time I buy myself face to face with something that is questioning or challenging my face I reread this book and I’m able to not only take a mental break from the current situation but I’m also able to remind myself that it’s not an attack on me from God and that I’m not alone and I’ve really hope that one day I can meet the author and I would love to have him come in speak when my manifestation is done in over you know in my product actually up and running a few fall the blog you know that I am in the beginning seed processes of trying to open up my alternative animal rescue as well as my center for battered or victom my by narcissistic abuse victims and it’s just taking me a little time because I’m disabled on limited income in America with little resources so I’m climbing up by myself but it’s going to be something that when it happens I am going to be so proud of myself and it’s going to be strong because I know that my maker walks with me so check out the Misty project online or go to www The shack book. Com and just check it out and get involved spread the word it’s really an eye opener it’s a soul opener and it’s a life-changer it’s definitely a good starting point for anybody


Hello my beautiful Geminis I hope that all of you find yourselves in the highest spirits possible when reading this message I’ve been doing practice runs with readings and I’ve even done some readings for my rising sign which if you happen to be like me and be a Gemini sun sign and Scorpio rising the reading that I’ve done for Scorpio have definitely checked out and sit with the readings I’ve done for Gemini so basically I’m just going to post a very quick message without going through all of the cards one by one The general message that I’ve been getting is that a lot of Gemini’s are find themselves at the end of an era which goes hand-in-hand with the beginning of an era since we’re one door closes another one opens thank you maybe starting a new relationship or have discovered a new crush maybe developed a new romantic outlook on somebody new or somebody from the past or maybe looking at your current partner in a new light depending on the situation and depending on the circumstances of the relationship but for the most part I get the sense that Gemini is starting over they are putting their foot down and remembering their strength deep within they are beginning to realize and put into effect the law of loving oneself and setting boundaries along with enforcing them I feel like a lot of you are dealing with karmic relationships and that a good majority of Gemini’s are involved in a situation that involves more than just two players now whether that includes disloyalty or infidelity I’m not going to save 100% for sure that that goes along with it although it may for some but whether or not you act on it your heart is definitely at a crossroads maybe it’s been there for a minute and I’m sensing that if you have been separated from a karmic relationship that things are going to turn their direction and maybe the universe is going to open up things in offer a chance to see where that relationship goes again this is just a general prediction from the readings that I’ve been doing for some of you I feel like pregnancy maybe on the horizons or if you already have children maybe the return of your children if they are not in your care or adoption or adopting something like this meaning like an animal that you take on with a partner and raised together or something like that also I feel like some of you are getting it either getting back into school changing your masters or looking into other vocational training some of you may be getting a new career or advancing in your current career I definitely feel that Gemini has recently awaken to the need to not only be protective of oneself but one’s likelihood so maybe if you are the type of Gemini that just takes care of everything and everyone no matter what even if it means giving your very last and going without but I think that right now that whether it be a situation or a series of events that you’re seeing the importance of making sure that you put your own air mask on first and I think that we’re pretty good at reading ones vibrations and I want to encourage you to continuously go with that intuition is a very powerful tool and it is not to be abused or wasted I have not heard or experience of a time when one has regretted going with their intuition but time and time again I have experienced and heard of others regretting not going with their intuition so pay attention there are always signs all around from the universe and your Spirit guides be open to messages of any and all possible outcomes whether or not we believe that we think that they should work out any certain manner that universe knows best and always delivers on time so go with the flow it’s not sink or swim it’s simply learning to float all right Gemini I will be posting another reading soon within the next few days and we will be back to the normal layout of card by card but I hope that you got something from this and take what resonates leave the rest I’m always open for comments advice questions and tips love the feedback love my followers until next time bless it be


god i wish i could just master this whole LOVE thing already and that i would stop setting myself up to get fucked i get so caught up in the moment and i just get my heart so set on earning a persons love or acceptance that i give all i can i mean if it were a cartoon i would end up like taking off my clothes and body parts to give them away ha no but something like that ah you know what i so just suddenly didnt want to post about this bs lol but instead of starting all over i am just going to keep going and see where i end up … so i was able to talk to a friend about posibly moving into his house and renting a room from him i think it would be cool we get alone great and bella and his dog do to its in a beautiful area and the house is amazing also there is a whole fenced in yard that bella can run free in and i can garden and make up PLUS we have made a pack to get clean and start working out! i mean for like reals a home and not home gym yeeee boy

omg i mean this is huge it a chance to get out of this trailer and to be in a house and get my shit together plus he lives alone and needs help hes cool and not creepy and id be renting a room so its all fucking perfect this is it i can kind of feel it like this just might be my ticket out of this hell life its not like im in a 3rd world bubble but i am stuck in place i am frozen and i want more i want a life a real life and i want to grow i cant keep waiting for george or pat to come and give me the life of my dreams because thats never going to happen BUT i can get off my ass on my feet and out of my comfrot zone and make it myself i can give myself what i want and what i deserve and ill fucking be so proud of myself i was left in the cold and dark alone and i cant change that even if pat were to show up right now and ask for us to try again it wouldnt change anything and i dont think i could move pass this or over look what he did

and even if george happened to all of a sudden love and want me ill always know deep down what he can and will do and i know ill get hurt more and worse there is not any kind of a future with either of them and i have to accept that i dont know why i dont know what the reasons for meeting them just to not be able to have them are but there has to be one or some i mean right?

but im going to be 30 next year and i cant and dont want to waste any more time or energy on dead ends i deserve more and better and if i can get out of this trailer and start putting myself together i know i can and will have a life that i never knew was posible SOOOOOOO fingers crossed and wish me luck

i think thats it for now im tired and its an ice box inside this trailer and my hands are starting to cramp so ill end it now but thank you to my support i love you all and will be back before you know it blessid be


cards ; the 2 of swords and the lovers reversed death and the 8 of cups 5 of cups and the queen of cups reversed judgement reversed 9 of pentecals reversed the knight of swords

maybe your broken heart is at a dented cross road torn between two not so ideal suiters both having equal downfals and simular issuses however you are starting to or have already started to notice this truth and it hurts sometimes we stay in bad situations for as little as comfort maybe its not that you dont know that both of these choices are not the best but you are set on trying to find a way to make it work the 5 of cups is about getting hung up on what you feel you lost instead of what was gained and learned with the queen of cups being in reversed maybe you are not at your best at this time having an over flow of emotions all mixed and random even posibly having moments of lashing out and harsh melt downs having so many feelings and not knowing how to deal with them not to say that you are not allowed to feel these feelings its hard when we lose someone or thing it hurts when the one we love and want to be with is not a match or falls out of love with us but dont allow the hurt to overtake your thinking as a whole yes you can be sad that thingd didnt work out but no you cant burn their house down slash tires or cause them hurt its not fair or right focus on bettering your life and loving you everything else that is ment to be will fall into place allowing yourself to move and work through these feelings learn and grow from them and use every lesson as a chance to grow

help for those effected by the fire

in 2017 my home town was burnt by what at the time was titled the worst fire the world has ever seen it destored thousands of homes and lives and even took some. its taken this whole year to get over all the upset from the fire. you never even think to think about something like that happening to you or where you live its something that happens somewhere far away… untill it happens

its been almost two years and here we are back in the same nightmare all over again a few days ago we got the warning and then we smelt the smoke then we saw the red sky and before we knew it the power went out and there were officers going through the roads telling people to leave. once again the streets were packed with people from all over the county trying to get out. its scary its like watching an end of the world movie but being in it . you want to hope to hope that everything will be ok but we dont know no one knows the scary truth is that there is always a chance that it wont be ok that we might not make it the fire isnt under control yet and its bigger and faster then the last one we havent lost any lives yet but there have been homes and buildings destoryed thousand of people have been forced from their homes and its like a big smokey wonderland

there isnt any idea about the timing it will takw for people to be able to go back home

a small team of helpers and myself are collecting can goods clothes bedding water pet supplies and toys for fire victoms and we will be taking them to the not only the evacuation centers but to the public parks and any known area where people who are in need are if you or someone you know has had to leave due to the fire or if there is anything that is needed to help make this a little easier please summit a comment or send us an email and we will get back you stay safe sonoma county and stay strong

there will be more on this matter a little later on

messages for gemini

flyer cards : 8 of swords + the star = between swords her eyes are coverd and she is tied up but looking lower you see her feet are free can get out she just doesnt know it to do so she must 1st take a moment to find her center and reach inside to figuar out what she needs to do free herself

the star a lady in the nude kneels at a stream filling a jug and with the other hand pouring a jug on the ground the sky is bright blue and there are 7 small stars surrouding a big bright one in the middle the land around is green and warm and alive at ease with not a trace of worry or stress being in the moment and living in the here and now the star lights the sky as well as your path out of the darkness so that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel the star tells you to have trust and good faith that you are a child of the universe and comos and you are loved you havent need to stress or worry and dont need to take on these burrends when you know in your heart that everything happens in divine timing all u need to worry about is to live every day thankful for not only the giftss but the lesson the univese provides and know that it is all part of helping us climb our spirit ladder

3 the pentacles 3 people sand together one is talking and to seem to be focused on what is being said our word is wand do not use it thoughtlessly and only use it to create positive creation surrond yourself with like mind people who will help you in creating the life you want and aviod those who jepordize bringing you down what is ment for us will come easy because it is owed to us by divine right we only are faced with hardship when we fight back and try to control what we think we should be have do and get open your minds eye and heart and ready yourself if you learn to trust let go and let god you will be blown away at how wonderful your life is suposed to be

the 8 of pentacles in revesed ; scattered energy maybe wating energy on unnessessary detail maybe in hopes to get same results with less the work could also mean greed being selfing losing sight that there is always more then enough to go around and that the more you give the more you get act with love kindess and care while being truly thankful and that is what you will get in return we can nothing with us when we die not even our bodies so dont put so much claim on things learn to let go

8 of wands this makes a total of three different 8s in the reading there is diffently lots of movement in all areas of life but of corse for us gemis the movement is mostly mental and emotional there are so many paths opions people choices and opportunities in life learn to balance all things you want in life not limit but balance so that you can enjoy success and fulfillment and skip all the self let down its not a matter of if you can reach your goals but how you can get there best

the over all energy is the hanged man its about having an illuion of being hung up stuck or trapped the man hanging doesnt take note that he has the key to unlock the chains that hold him if he could just think clearly and focus

for myself i am not in my best of head space after 7 years of what i thought was my happy ending he left me high and dry and has cut off all ties liike i never happened my county is on fire and he now lives right down the road from me and didnt even so mucb as send a fb message or a tweet to make sure i was ok knowing that i have no car and that i am alone on my own the smart twin inside me knows clearlly that i am better off without him that i deserve so much better and that he has not earned my love or forgivness but the softer twin is broken lost and misses him so bad it hurts that twin wants to take hold of the blame and gets down on ourself wishes on every star for his return and sends endless emails begging for another chance that twin also just cant see how to live without him and feels like ill never get back on my cause even if i did whats the point if hes not here luck;y the other twin knows that this too shall pass and that i can pick myself back up and i can rebuid ny life and make it bigger and better then ever before i am smart loving strong and able i do not need a man who abuses me to give me or my life meaning or reason

love me love me not love me

i dont know if ill ever get use to the fact that the 1st man i truly loved never loved me back or that after 7 years he could not only just walk away but ease me completely from his life like i never happened like we never happened like we dont have a son together no matter how hard i look i cant find him hes not in my world anymore. however this post is to shine some light on the fact that i get so caught up on missing him and his fake love that i end up overlooking all the beautiful true love that is all around me

he may be gone or maybe he was never here anyways but i have many people in my life who love me who really love me and who care about me and my life

who support me and my wellbeing my dreams my goals and my hopes who would never hurt me just to hurt me and all who take time out of their own lives to fill the holes in my heart

thank you

auntie v…. you will never know what you mean to me because i could never put it into words but you bring a light into my life and you warm my soul when im broken one of the 1st things i think is ” wheres auntie v ” i can just sit by you and your energy recharges me your love mends my wonds and you give me hope that a better day is just around the conner i cant say thank you enough so THANK YOU when you showed up tonight my soul cried because i have never had anyone care about me like that the person i thougth would who said they would left me to burn in the citys fire i sat there in my dark sad tin can alone scared and broken filled with hurt pain and fear then…. your music i heard your music and all those emotions desolved away thank you auntie thank you for all you do and thank you for loving me

mr vail meeting you has blown and opened my mind you are the 1st and only cop that treats me like im just a human i dont feel judged by you and i cant thank you enough for opening your house to me and allowing me and bella to stay the night safe away from the fire thank you for allowing me a fair chance to earn a judgement for allowing me to paint my own picture and for not tagging on lables like the rest of the world you made me rethink and see and different side of cops and you restored my faith in the law enforcement you truly are what police are suposed to be and i thank you for all you do for the community the people me and my people (auntie v)) thank you for living by the oath you took

i dont know much about mr vail i only just met him a few mos ago but what i do know is that he is a man with a big heart and who became a police officer because he wanted to make a differece he wanted to take care of and protect his commuinty and those who live in it he is always involed in some kind of charity and helps all he can but my most fav thing about this hot cop is that he has a good heart he dosent pass judgement and he treats everyone with respcet he has always made me feel welcomed and like im no different then any one of anyone else he interacts with i dont feel like im under a microscoop or that i need to walk on egg shells i can just be me and im acepted thank you mr vail to you it may not be that big of a deal but trust me when i say it is a huge deal and its meaningfull

back to auntie v for a sec i just want to say again thank you for you all you do thank you for coming to get me and not letting me burn i love you lady you is dee bomb

egg doner

i guess neither thought this day would come thats fair to say judging by history we share and the past were from our relation is a rare one not one that is seen everyday and not too many are able to understand the details of our interaction but thats cause no one knows our story theyll only ever know a tiny fraction a small piece of the puzzle but no matter how much is already but together no one will ever know just the fuck the pictrue is i can only speak for myself but i dont even really know what if any deep meaining there is to the fact our paths ever crossed other then the fact that you gave me birth we dont fit into each others lives we dont get along or agree on anything we dont think alike act alike feel alike or even respond alike we are so opisite of one another and i dont know if that is wroung or if its my fault for not looking past the past that led me to this maybe i am not following the rules of a child but to be fair you never followed the rules of a mother either. now i want to stop and take a min to say this

this is not intended to be a poor me or bash on the one whos body carried me and brought me into this world this isnt to see who is wroung or at fault rather this post is for me its for me to get everything that i have held bottled up inside out its to tie lose ends state my take and stance on the matter so that i can put this to rest for good and to ensure that i never feel a need to reopen the hole i bury it in

ohkay moving on i know that i can do and say things in a not so i guess normal or human way what can i say im not normal and sometimes i dont even know if im human im broken im young and unguided i lack knowing how to with a lot of things but i am doing the best that i can with what i got which isnt much my whole life all ive ever had was bullshit trama and drama abuse and pain and who i ever had was just me at the end of the day its always been just me

even as a kid i had to short things out on my own from the day you gained control of my life you through me in the ocean and i had to learn how to swim { which by the way i still to this day dont know how to} if i wanted to live i had to fight and there was no mercy on me not for being helpless not for being a kid not for being small sick and weak not for being hurt NOTHING and NOONE showed me mercy not even you why? why were you so…. damaging hurtful and careless you have 3 kids why was i the one you choose to empathy your anger on why did i have to on your wounds why did i have to pay for any and all wrong hurt mistake or whatever that you ever exprienced either to you or by you why WHY ?????? i dont want to hear your respose not today not tomorrow not ever what once held so much power over me i no longer hold on to i dont need to know want you to think about or dont it makes no diference to me but at least this giving you another chance to work this out on your end for your growth

why was i your fav toy to torrmnt how could you do all the things you did im not going to bother going into them you and i and god know what hororr of a childhood i had and what i went through and i am damn impressed and proud of myself for even just being here to write this post ….. im sorry but i need to take a break

pat elliot

maybe its karma bad luck a sick joke or just cause i dont know and i dont know if ill ever know but what i do that i know if that i have done my share of fucking up my past relationships and i want to take a moment to say that i am sorry ” pat you more then anyone else aside from my kids i am so sorry for everything there is nothing that would ever make it ok make up for it or undo it i was wrong stupid and unworthy im broken and i dont know if ill ever be fixed but it is something i fight for everyday i am putting all of me everything i am and all that i have into doing what so many say cant be done to become what they say i cant im doing it for me my kids you anyone i care for and to keep it 100 BECAUSE THEY SAID IT COULDNT BE DONE ha i may be forced to exsits under their lable take they meds and live on a chain but i will NOT allow anyone to tell me who how or what i am and am not i do have a heart i dont live to hurt i dont want to be broken i want to be happy i want to make people i care for happy i want to be a good mom sister daughter wife friend ect i do not want to be a lonely angery broken zoned out lost sociopath

i want to be a part of the soluoions i want to help create care for and love the earth and its residents i know me better then any professinol no matter how many years of schooling come now im me and im the only one who hears my thoughts and feels my feelings i know i have a heart because i fight through the pain of it being broken everyday everytime i think about you or hear you inside of my head or someone says your name its like 1000 pins stabing throuth i can feel the hole where im sure a heart once lived strong and safe but now it hold the broken pieces all bursed and bleedy and beat down

i know i am heartbroken and that i miss you because your side of the bed is still called that because everyday at 5 pm wither im aware of it or not i listen out for you to pull up in the mornings i reach out to the empty side and i feel it start all over again…

you were the only person who tried who for and with me and i am so sorry i allow you to feel wrong im sorry


it was during one of the rare times the house had power the master room was big enough for all us KIDS to chill away from the tweaker wonderland of a house we lived in there was a tv and an nintendo 64 and the best game we had was pokemon game cube. i had beat all my little sisters butts and was so over the whole thing when the door opened and he walked in my heart stoped i had been crushing on one the younger guys at the time i thought he was 17 i dont really remember why i thought that but i really didnt care he was fucking hot and i froze any time he was around. he came in and took the controler away me but i didnt mind i had forgoten how to talk it didnt help that he flashed a sexy side smerk

there wasnt really any talking done other then my sisters talking about god knows what i wasnt concered about that i had to focus on not staring or letting my jaw drop my oldest little sis broke the ice with ” monster ryans on the phone” great hes going to think im just some dumb kid with a stupid pet name

” monster?” he said in an almost whisper i ignored him not for anything other i would have died if i had made a fool of myself and i was about to any way why now of all the times ryan a boy at school i was trying to dump and who wasnt responding to any kind of delivery had been calling non stop and i was to the point that i was fed up and not talking very nice still that didnt help my case

caught between being frusterated and thankful to have something to take the place of staring i picked up the phone in the room it was short i didnt want to miss too much of this rare 1st time visit it was the same old talk mostly ryan pleading for me to stay his girlfriend my few lines where things like ” dude stop doing this ” we just dont mix right i dont want a boyfriend you make it hard to stay friends when we cant move past the breakup i ended the call with a ” yes you can save me a seat at lunch and yes ill meet you after football

i hung up the phone and on qu i heard a whispered ” heartbreaker” i turned to look at him not too sure of myself but mostly out of impluse ” i didnt mean to i cant lie and pretend to like him if i dont ”

” your young you dont want to leave high school only sleeping with one guy”

” well i got a whole 4 years to start racking them up then i guess but i dont want the 1st to be one i dont even like”

you would have thought i said something bad and i thought i did at 1st since the 1st thing he did was drop the controler then it was like he had a taents attack he was studdering ” yoo yourr 1st?”

” shut up i only been out a shot while i wasnt going to do it with any lame at juvi ”

“how old are you”


” yea you dont want your 1st time to be with a 13 year old boy they dont know anything you want someone who can teach you”

“ryans going to be 18 he was held back ”

” so you like older guys?”

” i dont know i dont think about that”

what kind of guys do you like


with he kissed my hand and left the room cheesing.

leaving what seemed to be nothing more then a out of reach dream weeks went by without another word then one night while i was in my second favorte spot in the house that being the den with an iron fire place i sat listening to music and drawling i was laying facing dinagnally when a shadow caused the small room to din a bit when i looked up i saw him standing over me and his eyes they … locked me in ” can i teach you?”

i knew what he ment i didnt bother playing dumb i just nodded my head and accepted his hand he held out he pulled up and into him wrapping his arms around me and started to kiss my neck he walked backwards twords my room never breaking away from my neck lightly biting and swrilling his tounge in small circles he closed the door and backed in till we reached my bed he sat on the edge and held me standing in front of him the room was dark with only a small slit of moon light coming in from the window it was colder since there was no fire and my nipples were now hard from the cold and being turned on he lifted my top off and and when he got to my bra must have noticed me looking away ” are you sure you want to do this we dont have to if your not ready ”

” i want to … i.. want you to be my 1st ”

he turned my head with his finger so i faced him and crushed his lips into mine we made out for a few mins while he finished undressing me whispering to me between kisses ” i want to be your 1st i need to be the 1st inside you i want you”

it being my 1st time i wasnt much of a talker lol and felt awkward even anwsering him when he would ask ” can i have you? can i keep you? will you be mine ?”

we went on making out and worked our way to the floor i laid on my back and opened my legs so he knew i was still on board with this whole deflowering thing

when he lined himself up with my hole he bent down and before kissing my lips he said ” just breath baby girl thank you for giving yourself to me ” as he pushed in i let out a yelp that he reacted to by biting my bottom lip and with the 1st few mins of pumping into me kept repeating ” ah fuck baby thank you ahhhhh your mine mine i know its odd but i so counted and took mental note of the fact that each thrust he grunted mine mine mine mine it hurt like hell but i wanted him i could barely wrap my mind around of the fact that he was inside me that he wanted to be inside me it was this that caused me to see stars he came just about when i started to feel bad for my poor little pussy she was sore and swollen never having been entered let alone ponded like that before she clearly need a time out he reached his climax and rested on top of me for a while his lips on my forehead panting we got up dressed and i thought he would just go get lost in the crowd but he didnt

” can i hold you tonight? unable to speak i climbed into bed and held the covers up for him to join he got in wrapped my body with his and before i fell aside to him playing with my hair i heard one more “mine”

what is it then

i am really loving the results im seeing from this new anti couch patato plan i came up with and ive been sticking to i mean i am really proud it gets easier everyday and im not sore after workouts anymore ive lost 35 pounds and my tummy is finally getting with the program and following suit lol its still there but its smaller dont uncross your finges just yet though i got a ways to go till i reach my goal,

but its more then just the outside im loving the way i feel inside just as much im stronger i have more energy my neck and back pain are almost gone all the way my mind is shaper and my spirit is claim

i miss pat still but im ok and im more acepting of the truth about pat and my life with him. yes it hurts no i didnt wake up one morning and suddenly hate him or forget him he is very much fresh in my mind i dream about him every night i wake up looking for him every morning but then i morn him and all i lost when i lost him and after a bit i am able to pick myself up and carry on with my day its… better not healed or over but better

with out a doubt or 2nd guess i am thankful for being enlightened on the whole narcissist clan i think i speak for more then myself when i say ” i really thought i was going crazy” ” i thought i was the one who was bad wrong and who fucked up ” but i wasnt not fully and nether were you, yes everyone has a part but we must share blame and place it fairly

dont take too much dont give too much find a balance

i have a lot going on right now as far as self work i am buried under great topic in school and im pushing through sticking to each dream and i trying to trust and let go

its hard and it fucking sucks it hits me at night when everyone and the sun go away and im left alone well i have my furry paw gang but im used to having him even when he was mean to me he was here i wasnt alone though it felt like it oh man see it dont make sence and it sounds so dumb trust me i know hi yea its me tina welcome to ..my blog … my damned life blog

i dont if its that i miss him cause i cant pick out something i miss exactly i mean id bet that if he were here right now we would be fighting or not talking or hed be at james house ,,,,

what is it i miss? i miss my life before him before fulton before i found my heart and before it was shattered and destroyed

yea thats it i wish i could go back to 2013 and i wish i never met pat i wish i didnt even know that fulton was a town hidden inside my town…

star light star bright maybe youll grant my wish some night….

35pounds lighter

Try something new he said. Change he said well definitely new to me is this whole workout thing i NEVER dreamed I would end up being some gym fean lol but it’s fucking …..WORTH ALL the struggle cramps chest pain etc lol it started off light and slow I been at it for about 1 mo n a a half and for being the 1st kid to get a f- in pe I’m up to 200 squats 100 donkey kicks 100 leg lifts with 5lb weights on my ankles and resentence bands on my legs I jog up hill for 30mins then down 30mins I’ve lost 35pounds and I’ve toned it ALL up ohh yes baby lol and I feel amazing inside Everytime I miss pat or I start to get lonely i workout when I’m mad i work out when I’m anxious i work out at this rate I should have my dream bod by Summer yee

Know your worth

Peoples actions are a reflection of their interpolation of how you are viewed by others and yourself we only get treated how we allow ourselves to be treated know your worth and hold your ground don’t allow anyone to step over your boundaries or disrespect you in any way and be careful not to allow the hurt form fuck tards to change you or your heart be you and shine revenge is played out. Kill them with success

Check in

So I want to say before anything else that I Am so sorry for the lack of posts I LOST MY LAPTOP CHARGER and it’s been heeeellll ugh I swear and then I just was able to go through my phone and cleaned it out to make room for this app AND here I b.

Since my last entry before the last LOL I have gone through a lot of changes a lot of growth both painful yet enlightening I’m still really broken up over the breakup.. and Mr I don’t have a heart of feelings has already been over to parade his new girlfriend!!!!

I know I fucking know RIGHT?! i mean wtf ahhh after 7 years and all we went through all we shared in a blink of an eye he erased me like I never happened like he never loved me and maybe he didn’t but … I did and I still do but it hurts less as time goes on I miss him so much BUT I haven’t stocked so yay me … But I cry and I work out A LOT I jog and walk and try to not think about him yeah right huh well I do try not think about him but he’s everywhere I look

Beautifully broken

Isn’t it funny how you can be surrounded by people have the hottest fuck buddies have good luck in everything you do yet.. feel so fucking alone? Feel so worthless and empty? Wishing you could give anything to trade it all just to have one person back to have him back? Knowing that no matter what you can’t no today not tomorrow and most likely not next week month or year. Having to know that he’s gone he’s gone for good this time everything yous shared with him is dead. Just painful memories of a time you thought you were so happy so complete so whole just to end up leaving you lost broken and confused in a blink of an eye….

Even if there’s a different man in my bed every night it’s only him I hold in my heart

They can be fine as fuck have big dicks and even eat pussy like a mother fucker

But… They are not him my body might be under some thunder buddy but my heart is with him it always has been and…it always will be even if he doesn’t want it

im sorry

am i crazy? i mean like really really the crazy one? is this my fault karma? was it me that fucked everything up? my heart is scared that these will be anwsered with a yes im scared because a part of me thinks it is very likley . i know that im not perfect and pat is not all that bad it wasnt just one of us it was both we both hurt one another and we both made mistakes and i know that and for that i am sorry i am sorry to have placed extra burdens on your sholders and i am sorry for showing how thankful i am for all you have given and done for helping me and being there for me i fucked up and i am so sorry i am sorry for acting like a child for the melt downs and the chaos and drama im sorry for the attitude im sorry for the lack of trust i am sorry for my insecreites and im sorry for the disrespect i am so sorry for not showing you how much i love you

morning rant

have you lost a large gap of time? like so large that you feel like your in a limbo or dont even know if your alive or dead? have you ever a blackout that was longer then a few hours? day? weeks? how about years? i know it sounds crazy but that is what i am fighting with in my head it like i came to and its 7 years later im alone im confussed and to the truth im a bit scared its like the past 7 years were nothing more then a bad dream i cant see or touch the person i love and shared my world with they arent anywhere to be found he said i would never be in the dark place alone yet i am he promised to always find and come for me yet he isnt its like i never we never were where is he? and how could he just forget about me about all we were and had how can he not miss me is it possible to just stop loving someone over night? can you really just turn it off like a light switch if so how can i learn to do that i dont want to feel any of this anymore i dont want to miss him i dont want to love him i dont want to remeber i dont want to feel anything if i had one wish it would be to be numb like him to be hard as stone if i could cut my heart out and lock it away but still live omg duh like the queen on snow white well the one in once upon a time oooo fuck yea move over harley quinn theres a new fav villian lol well my head is starting to work ahead of my brain and i need to go do something before i melt into a pile of tears be back later

check in

i been cooking in an oven all day i swear if i had to take a wild guess the way i felt today would be how i would think it would feel to cook alive in an oven

its so hot and i mean it fucking hot its hot and dry and hard to breath its not comfortable to sit still walk around move sleep nothing i have wet myself down for head to toe a few times with the hose but i swear im driping wet one min and the next im bone dry i feel sick even bella and the kittes are unhappy they dont like this heat either

sorry i hella passed out that was some bomb bud thank u dar and mar so today is nice outside its 10 and the sun is out cousin john came over last night and is helping gpa in the yard that is great cus gpa cant do it alone and i cant be out there too long without getting a headache so this is perfect from what im understanding im ok here for a lilttle bit chp came and was parked outside but didnt come talk to me so fingers crossed.

i got a lot of the house done and all that needs to really be done is the trash but andy wont let me put in the trash trailer

another day down

you when you might know some of the cause of the bad feelings your having but you dont know why you cant seem to handle or control them like you somehow went through a change that was backwards and you almost like a kid again a kid melting down without a way to sooth i feel so outside of my own skin yet a prisoner inside my head i feel alone and hurt he said he would never leave me alone leave me hanging or in need or danger and yer he did all of it and he did it in a blink of an eye without even a goodbye i loved him with all i have and all that i am im not saying that i was a saint or that that i didnt make mistakes because i did i admit and take responsibility for all my wrong and from the bottom of my heart i am sorry i really am and if i could take it back i would something i get clear is what it is that i did that was so bad that you ran away? when after all you did i forgave you i stood by you and never thought twice and the sad thing is that i would do it again and again and again because i fucking love you and to me that is what love is love is not giving up no matter how hard it is or gets love is forgivness and love doesnt have a switch it doesnt go off and on it doesnt stop or pause love real love never ends it never hurts or seeks revenge that is what i have to offer you but your actions scream clearly that that is not what you want at least not from me or maybe what i have to offer isnt good enough for you i really cant say i really dont know and its driving me crazy i sit and think and think and think and think and think some more but am unable to come up with anything i thought i knew you i thought i knew us when i sit and think there is a whole lot that i thought i knew and none of it seems to have been what i thought it was that plus the lack of even the smallest trace of you i consider the posibility that it was all just a dream a very bad sad dream that lasted 7 years and felt so real the daze it left me in is like the one left by morphine or heroin its a nasty feeling and i wish i could shake it but i cant not yet at least

mealt down

how can you go about life like i never happened? you are the one who hurt me remeber? so how did i get on the begging end of this and you like always made it out on top why am i sorry why am i lonely why am i begging why is that i am so stupid why cant i let u go why cant let you go why cant i move on like u and why cant i even end my life right lucky? i wouldnt say that more like cursed or its some kind of sick joke or maybe its karma maybe i deserve all this pain maybe god hates me i dont fucking know but i do know that it is not fuuny and i cant and wont take much more of it im getting weaker and weaker and everyday i wake up is a shock even to me i wouldnt wish this pain on anyone ….not even on you the one who gave it to me with a smile and without a 2nd thought this pain should only be in hell

daily check in

there were times in the past that i thought and really beleaved that i was at my bottom , there was a pain each time that was always worse then the last and every time i wasnt able to see a light at the end of the tunnle but here i am today years later after most of those times and again i feel like this is my BOTTOM and again there is a pain unlike any other but this time i can see a tiny hint of light way way way way way down at what seems to be miles and miles away but its there and the point worth pointing out is that i can see it and know what it is.

its been a little over a month now since pat left and my nights are still hard and lonley but my days are getting better each one is a little bit more easy to take on and get through. i havent gotten it all shorted out but its a prosses and im chiping away at it bit by bit i know the what whos and some of the whens and whys but those last two are so deep and arent simply black and white but im working on letting go and putting my energy into what i do know and what i can work on to fix which is me and my end of things wither that be for me alone or with pat or someone else or whatever i have the power to fix me and me alone .

its not easy but i guess nothing that is worth something ever is if it were then there would not be reason to be proud out the results or outcome yet i find myself going back and forth with the idea of it being my understanding that pride is a sin from what i have gone through pride has always done nothing but cost me and fuck shit up for me in life so how does that work or fit?

ive said it before and ill say it again and again the worse gift god gave us is free will at least for people like me there always so many choices and it gets too much for me at times no wait all the time fuck i wish it could be simple i wish there were only left or right but no theres got to be up down forward and backwards as well fml

alive to fight another day

today i am feeling like everything is going to be ok the sun is sinning and its nice out still dont know what im going to do or where i am going to go but i know its all going to work out for the best it has to as long as i stay in the right state of mind, my bff is bring me a phone so ill be able to get things done i feel so lost with out one lol but i woke up another day i have bella and i trust that the universe is working to get me where i need to be its friday so on mon i have to get to that place on meno ave for the housing i migth stay the night at kems so that i can leave bella there and walk to a bus i dont know havent talked to me mom so well see what happens i had a nice time with becky and i feel bad for leaving so soon but i just needed to be home well you know what i mean once i get the phone ill go online and look for more housing opions someone said i should look into the ymca…. ” i love you christina maria urrutia urena everything will be alright you can do anything you set your mind to you are strong and beautiful and loved by the universe “

think stick

you really dont think of me at all ever? i think you.. i think of you when i wake and remeber that your no longer there i think of you through out my day when i want to tell you something ive learned or show you something ive found i think of you when its quit and the day is turning into night i think of when i get into my empty cold bed i think of you while i lay and toss in my bed i think of you when i cant sleep i think of you even when i can i think you 24 hours of all 7 days without a break. and mostly i think about how much you arent thinking about me

feet dont fail me now

theres no turning back now. when i hear my words that i speak about pat i just get sick i mean what he did was wrong and it was sick he abused me in everyway a person can be abused and i let him i was stuipd and im really mad at myself i know better i deserve better and i am going to be better i dont need a man who hides his relationship and who hurts me talks down to me and who makes it clear everyday that i mean nothing to him yea upset but not broken not anymore why be broken over someone who forgot you were even ever alive

bye pat

love can be dangerous and it can blur your sight and thinking my love for pat was unhealthy and dangerous and twisted i allowed him to hurt me and i was sorry when i had no reason to be he would beat and run and i would chase and beg that only fed his ego it didnt make him feel guilt or shame or even regret only pride when he saw how much control and power he held its hard i struggle everyday but the point is that i wake up everyday and i do it a little bit stronger then the last its going to take some time a long time but someday i will be fully healed and i will know with out doubt that pat was a lesson many lessons in fact and i will be able to not only forgive but also thank him for his teachings and my freedom when he left he took a part of me with him but im starting to regrow that piece of me and when its done its going to be bigger better and stronger then what he took today i give thanks for all the love and support that i have in my life i choose to be happy and i choose to hand over my broken heart to god so that he can fill it with his love i dont have any hard feelings i dont wish pat no ill will in i pray that he finds happiness and that he is able to rid his heart from all that evil darkness in his heart


today i watched a movie in real life i saw him today and i saw the true him come out no matter how much i read hear or learn none of it any of it could or did perpare me for the shit that went down today its so sad to see the man i love more then life itself be so empty and cold so lifeless so distant when i look in his eyes there is nothing his eyes are so empty and cold i dont know how it happened or even exactly when it happened but i lost him for good and every passing second it hits me harder and harder half of me wants to go back in time but the other half is happy with the way things are

random gabble

i give thanks for for my best friend she is such a great person and so fucking saved my life and ass since i was left alone and pat is not helping me and he is just so cold and heartless pat really fucked me up he broke me but i am lucky enough to have people in my life that care about me and who give me the same amount of love that i give to them cathy has set up a place for me to take the trailer and all the animals can ok to go with me i am so happy and less stress but its far away from santa rosa and its a change i dont do good with change and i dont do good being alone and i am alone now i just cant understand how pat can be so cold to me its like to him i just dont exsits like i never happened he doesnt care about me he doesnt miss me he doesnt even think about me how can a person go from being with someone all day everyday to just like they and the time you spent with them never happened like it was nothing …. how can i be so broken and he is just so good why is my heart hurt and he is just living it up

why did i fall for someone who not only didnt and wouldnt but couldnt fall me back? is it karma? is it bad luck fate? is there a reason or purpose? was there ever a point? was it all a waste? will i ever know? do i need to know?

flash crash bash trash

there was a time that we so close we used to be best friends and we use to have so much fun i remeber and miss when we would spend all day wrapped in each others arms making love and claiming every inch of each others bodies you were my world and everything in it i didnt care about anything else as long as i was with you everything was right we had our ups and downs and lord knows our share of bads and goods but we had eachother.

but you walked away from me you left me alone broken and lost and your so cold that even the hottest days of summer seem to be iced over you know that you left me without anything no food no water no power and you said that you had done too much for me and i needed to take care of myself… theres “NO ” other women yet that is what everything adds up to but youll never tell me the truth and i think i am almost ready to stop waiting for you to i have days to move the trailer i have no car no place to go and im alone and when i replay your words in my mind i cant stop the tears that fall from my eyes

you are a monster a heartless soul eating monster why do i ever feel the need to say sorry for the way you act to me for you hurting me hitting me yelling at me calling me names i will say that i am sorry for my actions that added to the fighting im sorry for when i would speak mean or make you feel anything less then love because i love you with every bone and cell in my body i love you so much it hurts but my love for you will never be retuned i dont think you even know how to love and that hurts after 7 years its all over what i thought i we were buiding together was not anything but a rest stop for you the life we share was just filling up your time unill your next big move it sucks that i didnt get a heads up not even a goodbye i still havent gotten one all you do is text at random and string me along placing false hope and lies only to to imediately crush me all over again

i cant take it anymore my heart feels like it is one shatter away from from reaching a point of no return and you dont even care you wouldnt pee on me if i were on fire probaly because you would be the one to have set me on fire ….. i dont know if i will even be able to forget you or even get over but i have to try my life depends on it i need to let you go so i can live so i guess what i am saying is good bye pat i will miss you everyday and i will always love you take care and please get some help and please please dont do to the next what you did to me no person should ever have to hurt like this not even you…

not even death comes easy

have you ever had a time when you feel so outside your own skin that you even toss around thoughts about the after life? ok so like when i am in a moment where everything hits me at one time and i can see all the parts that are bad that werent always like that its like ” what if this is limbo or something “? i have lost so many people that i love in just a few shot years and i cant help but question did they die or did ? i was hit by a car in 2014 i was walking in a dark highway and the car was going 65 mph after a few weeks in the trama center …. here i am alive in 2019 my father in law was hit by a car that wasnt going as fast in 2016 and we lost him how does that work?

am i so stupid that i cant even die right? more then ever i wish i could have just died in 2014 when i was hit by that car … i really do

change of paste

today i helped my aunt at a yard sale that was held at her house. a bunch of people friends the man who owns the property she lives on had a big yard sale and so i went to help her because she isnt in the best of health and she is just the best lady with a huge heart anyways the people at the sale were so nice and i totally forgot that they were cops i mean for real i talked with them and they treated me as a person and they listened to me about my writings and one even gave me a recorder to do my drafts with the other one who is the one helping my aunt hooked me up with an auther friend to say that i was blown away is an understatement because i have never had complete strangers be so kind and unjudging