often sit and wonder what you were like as a kid as a young man and as a grown man i can remeber you for the short while that you were around but not as much as i would have liked to but nothing ever comes frrom crying from spilt milk even though you left in 96 learning about your death in 2019 crushed me after i lost you and grew up without you then you are killed and i didnt even get to say good bye. since i will never get to hear your story in your words so i am going to give you a taste of my story since that last time i saw you when i was 6 ,after you left life went down hill fast grandma passed away in 98 and that was when things really got bad a went around the uncles and aunts because mom couldnt deal with me she could barely stand to look at me but there wasnt any other choice no one wanted me they all had thier own lives and families and i was kinda hard to deal with at that time when she was forced to take me she moved us in with my brothers dad we lived there for a year i think maybe a year and a half and during that time mom was going through missing grandma and she was hurt and mad that you werent there she was on edge and would blow up over everything and when i tried to tell her what meno was doing to me she beat me till my arm cracked and told me to stop lying and causing problems. i never brought it up again when she would leave for months on end i would only cry and beg her to take me with her she never did so i either would hide while he was home or i would sleep in my friends play house and every time i did i would get beat when she found out. her beatings were….. i.. she was.. what she did to me was wrong and im not going to surgar coat it not anymore she showed me no mercy and i got beat for more then just whatever it was i “DID” it was for all the times you hit her all the other women her teenage pregnancy her rape baby her parents mistakes and who knows what else she was haunted from. my mother was burtal there is no other name for it but this post isnt about her so to cut it short what the point is that i was left alone when you left and when grandma died so did a little part of me did too and life was hard it was scary it was painful and mostly it was loney but i dont want you to feel bad or guilty or sorry because everything that happened to me both good and bad all played a part in making me the person i am today.i am 29 now ive battled drug addicion since i was 13 meth being my drug of choice, ive worked at a daycare ,target , and then when i was 21 i was granted ssi because of my anxiety and ptsd i have 4 beautiful children sergio juan alexandrea renee grace nokosi tule and james dakota i dont have them with me and it was a really fucked up unfair and ilegal court battle when my blog is followed it all comes together to make show the my story as whole. i have not done that well of a job at picking mates and have been beaten raped left for dead broken down and everytime i have picked myself up and as i got older as i changed i learned how to find , see , and benefit from the positive no matter how big or small i stopped allowing myself to fall victum ive known my whole life that i wanted to be better i wanted to be good i am good and i have vowled to myself and creator that i will not frezze over i wont let my heart darken or my spirit become cold i will not become a monster i will always speak for the underdog i will always help every and anyone the best i can even when it means scarafice i find joy and fullfillment in helping others by showing kindness love support and positive energy i will always find the good the meaning and the lessons in all that takes place ill never stop learning or growing mentaly and spiritually the most important way i can and how i love to help is sharing my outlook with others giving them hope and showing that there is always a way to bringforth positive change you just have to take the needed steps if we all just do the next right thing and refuse to be drafted to the dark side then our world will one day be the world it was ment to be we can all live in peace and happiness it takes hard work focus and sarafice and the pay off is beyond worth it and will having on going effects long after we leave this world . i dont know maybe its childlike or maybe even airy but its how i think and feel and its how i live my life its who i am

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