I waited a long time dreaming about being able to live the life i thought i wanted doing what i love reaching all my goals and being the person i thought i wanted to be but more then any of that i wished that the one i loved would someday love me back. well it took some time and now that we are in a relationship i am having a hard time taking his word when it comes to how he claims to feel about. even though i want to more then anything i cant help that deep inside me i have a block. i want to be able to have trust and not be stressed out and all the bullshit. i dont know if its me maybe its something wrong with my head or something BUT then again maybe its not. im confused and i am falling apart i wont to fuck up and i dont want to get fucked over he is always saying the most mean things to me and talks to me like im a whore and acts as if i am just doing all these things that i couldnt even dream of doing i try to show him in everyway but he will never see it or maybe he sees it but he will never care even though this baby will be here in a few weeks i think it might be best to just cut ties and go my own way im better off alone and i can do better alone knowing that i am alone instead of being here thinking im not when i really am i dont know what i did or why he picked me to take out his anger from his past on but i have never done anything but love him from day one i loved everything about him and wanted to build a unit together be a team, i wanted to love him past his past choices mistakes and pain and always did what i thought was needed to let him see for himself just how much i loved him but no matter what i do or dont what i say or dont he will never see he will never accept my love and he will never fully take my heart or give me his i feel like a walking joke one thats a private insider he shares only with his self its a fucked up feeling when the man you love makes you feel like your just a 2nd choice or a fall safe ” i guess youll do” is some of the most hurtful words and they cut deep its clear that im not what he would pick if he lived in a perfect world and i hate that it feels like this whatever it is is no more then him just being a nice guy who got stuck with some bum and her dog . george is one of the most amazing souls ive met in this life and no matter what i cant deny that there is and has been from day one been this un explainable bond it breaks my heart to think that the whole thing is nothing more then a foolish one side daydream

Dont Take Anything Personal

Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world _ the four agreements

its not easy to remember this agreement all the time and can seem almost impossible when dealing with people whom we love and care about, due to a mixer of misleading reasons we seem to take the words thoughts feelings and actions of those around us personal by default without even thinking about it. when something hurtful happens we get caught up in wanting to know WHAT WE DID to deserve what ever happened to happen we feel that we some how are for sure to blame that we must have done something or we lack something or whatever it may be when really what ever has happened has nothing to do with us and there is no need to allow the situation to hold any amount of emotional hold on us.

I was in a seven year relationship that was very abusive and toxic and no matter how bad it got i stayed i could even think about what life would be like with out him then one random day without even a goodbye he left well he just never came back. i was so broken up about it and i spent weeks crying myself to sleep and numbing my pain with drugs i was driving myself crazy my head was a prison for questions like why? what did i do? how could you? really? etc and i stressed to find answers that i may never find in fact i am sure that i wont. then a friend of mine brought me the book the four agreements and when i say that that book changed my life i couldnt mean something more that book woke something up inside me and gave me a starting point and the courage to start.

i know in my heart now that i will never find those answers because they have no relation to me what he did and what he didnt had nothing to do with me his actions and words were no more then a side effect or whatever of his own shit i had no control over what he did or what he said and no matter how many times he spoke ugly to me it was not because i am ugly nor did it make me ugly when he hit me it was not because i was bad or deserving it was because that was the only way he was either able or willing to communicate but there were no truths in any of it and i didnt have to accept his opinion about me as my own.

you dont need another person to give us meaning value or name we should not think that another person has that right know who you are and what you are about know that that can not change no matter what anyone says or thinks you are in your own reality and your does not cross over to another everyone is in their own and need not waste time or energy on seeking unneeded approval from outside sources we need nothing more then our own knowing .

Out

I’ve come to point where I am completely at lost and I don’t mean like I don’t know what to do cause I do it’s just a hard choice. It’s fucked when your own happiness can be and is affected by outside influences and more so when those influences are so called love ones claiming to love and care about you. I have always been bad at self care and anything that falls under it like self love and protection I seem to always allow the wrong people to hold so much control over my life. I love to love and I try to see the good in everyone but sometimes I end up trying to create the good where it doesn’t exist. After all these years I am finally breaking I’m drained and broken I have nothing else to give not even energy or heart I am having a hard time seeing anything good coming from this if I don’t get out now this bullshit is going to kill me it’s killing my. Spirit draining my soul and scrambling my mind and for what for a man who says he loves me but who breaks me down daily hurts me accuses me and blames me for everything that goes wrong this is not love this toxic and dangerous and I need to get out

I received a boat yesterday. My family who adopted my son drove here to give me money to get a phone and offered me a chance out of this rut. I need to get Bella situated to either go with me or somewhere to wait while I go to a program I need to get myself to a healthy spot I have been on break for too long and I need to wake the fuck up I am falling backwards fast and it’s killing me

Be Impeccable With Your Word

Today i will do my best to be impeccable with every spoken word. Today i will avoid gossip as well as situations where gossip is harvested . Today i will look at every situation as chance to climb up my spiritual ladder weither my 1st take be positive or negitive. I will keep in mind that everything and everyone i come across is part of a bigger plan then i may be able to see or understand at the moment and that i have the power to create the life i desire with the ability to change any and all aspects i am not so pleased with. Instead of losing or giving away my power to another i will remember that whatever it may be that is upsetting me is not a punishment but rather a gift with rare beauty hidden for only the ones who buckle up and charge head on

~ speak only spoken words of intgrity saying only what you mean

~never speak words against yourself or others

~always use the power of your word to push in the direction that leads to honesty acceptance and compassion

~ your words are the seeds that you spread and your life is your garden see to it that you only plaint seeds that will produce what you truly desire to see in your garden. and when if you happen to plaint a seed or two of which you regret promptly correct your action by removing the roots and give thanks for the lession and new understanding of the cause that led to that mixup

still a toad no matter how many kisses

how many kisses till you accept that he is going to remain a toad ? how many tears need to fall before you can admitt that your on yet another dead end road? how lies need to be told to make it clear that your feelings mean nothing nor do you? do you really need to be loved that bad? so bad that youll take it anyway it might come? no matter how much it hurts or how low it makes you feel? how can you seek something in another that you so clearly have no idea what it is that you think you are seeking? and this is fact i can say for sure for if it wasnt you wouldnt be seeking what you keep on running into because you if you loved yourself you would know what love is and what it isnt and you would settle for anything less

update for bails 4 tails

a little push back due to lockdown but still planning to host a crafts fair within the next upcoming weeks to raise funds to open a new and perminent center, it takes money to open and start something and being on ssi is not going to cut it. but it will happen i am willing to do the work needed and i have faith that it will all fall into place, there is so much to do and when you are broke its like having your hands tied behind your back. i have started a few webpages but i need to pay for the domain so i can have more options i been piceing together posts and social media pages and going to be putting in some work on making an instagram and twitter for bails 4 tails i also plan to write out donation request letters however that is something i always have a hard time with due to fear of rejection but ill push through it

i really am excited about bails 4 tails its been the center of my drive my hole life and seeing it through is my main goal in life. i know that it will be a game changer and the start to a whole new world in relation to animal rescues its the only way things should be and i know that once in place people will see that and feel the same.